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Jewish World Review Jan 7, 2013 / 25 Teves, 5773 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Celebrity Cafe reported Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were expecting a baby just hours before the rapper announced the news onstage Monday. The queen of reality TV is having a baby with the king of the rappers. So the Mayans only missed it by nine months.
WalMart reportedly sold out of guns in December after President Obama announced he will back gun control laws. Business people noticed. In a desperate bid to stay in business, Hostess just asked the president to order background checks on all Twinkie buyers.
Al Gore sold Current TV to the pan-Arab network Al Jazeera for five hundred million dollars Friday. It fits. Every time George W. Bush invaded an Arab country Al Jazeera executives threw darts at his picture, so they won't have to make any changes to Al Gore's office at all.
NFL teams fired seven head coaches on the first day after the regular season, known as Black Monday. A lot of men have lost their million-dollar salaries. The owners broke the news to the coaches by saying you're not losing a job, you're gaining a tax break.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was hospitalized to treat a minor blood clot Sunday in New York City. She's described as doing just fine and improving rapidly. However Bill Clinton paid a visit to her hospital room, and minutes later he took a turn for the nurse.
MTV aired its new series Buckwild Thursday about young West Virginia hill people who spend their time raising hell. They went to the ballet over the holidays and got quite a surprise. They always thought the Nutcracker is something you do off the high-dive.
President Obama signed an order Tuesday making it easier for illegal aliens to stay in the U.S. What a moment. It was the one hundred and fiftieth anniversary of the Emancipation Proclamation and Barack Obama wanted to honor the replacement players.
Congress ignored spending cuts Tuesday and agreed to raise taxes on the rich and to raise payroll taxes on workers. Who says the system doesn't work? See what happens when the two parties can set aside their principles and do what's best for them personally.
John Boehner said he is finished dealing with Obama after his re-election as Speaker Thursday. It wasn't easy. The House he runs has the power to appropriate money and declare war, but a president has TV coverage, and that has sunk the checks and balances system.
Forbes quoted a survey Thursday saying that whenever young kids lose a baby tooth they are now receiving an average of forty cents less from the tooth fairy. You can't make it up. The economy is so terrible that even make-believe-people are feeling the pinch.
Vanity Fair's poll said the number-one reason couples fight is over what to watch on TV. A second TV costs two hundred dollars and a divorce attorney costs two hundred an hour. No wonder the trial lawyers oppose the teaching of math in our schools.
French gay rights protesters marched in Paris Tuesday demanding passage of a new French law allowing gay couples to adopt children. The gay couples pointed out to reporters they are unable to produce children of their own. It's not that they haven't tried.
Downton Abbey premieres its third season about British aristocrats and their house servants a century ago. they live in fabulous luxury. In the U.S. version, the owners are a retired cop who just retired as a teacher, whose mother is on disability, whose father is living on an asbestos settlement and whose wife works for California's Parks Department.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
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