Jewish World Review Jan. 29, 2009 / 4 Shevat 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Wisconsin Supreme Court issued a ruling Tuesday declaring that high school cheerleading is a contact sport like football. Not exactly. In football illegal use of the hands is fifteen yards, while in high school cheerleading it's fifteen years.
President Obama persuaded Democrats Tuesday to take out the money in the stimulus bill for birth control for poor people. It's too late. Working class couples in Los Angeles are already having octuplets just for the refundable child tax credits.
Los Angeles was reported Tuesday to be overrun by coyotes who roam the neighborhoods and eat pet dogs. They've completely adjusted to life in the Hollywood Hills. They attract their victims by promising to introduce them to the director of Marley and Me.
Michael Jackson signed a deal Tuesday to bring Thriller to Broadway as a stage musical. Lawyers are ironing out the details. There's no truth to the rumor that there will be a special matinee for children in the dressing room with the lights out.
Al Gore delayed his Congressional testimony about the climate crisis on Tuesday when ice storms made flying to Washington unsafe. He can't warn about global warming due to the cold weather. Never buy a memory course from a guy who has his pants on backwards.
George Mitchell was dispatched to the Mideast Monday and Richard Holbrooke was sent to Pakistan, and Joe Biden is Germany-bound. Hillary must stay home. Until this Illinois governor thing is settled no one from Chicago is allowed to leave the country.
The U.S. Army opened a fat farm for recruits to shape them up for basic training camp. Obesity has become a problem. The reason we have to keep so many soldiers in Korea is to keep the earth from wobbling from all the troops we have in the Middle East.
The Pentagon said Monday a former Guantanamo prisoner is now the chief of al-Qaeda in Yemen. When the U.S. released him they sent him to a terrorist rehab in Saudi Arabia. That is like sending Charles Barkley to Atlantic City to get his act together.
New York's Governor Dave Paterson denied Tuesday that he spread salacious information about Caroline Kennedy to the press. Nobody's buying his story. He did such a number on her that every time she's on television the director puts a blue dot over her face.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton