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Jewish World Review Jan. 3, 2005 / 22 Teves, 5765

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports
And now for the
important news .... | The Orange Bowl hosts the national championship game Tuesday between USC and Oklahoma. How big are these programs? This game is for people who are tired of watching man versus nature on the news every day and want to see some real conflict.

The USC Trojans held a team practice in Fort Lauderdale Wednesday where they received a visit from O.J. Simpson. It was brief. He tried to give the team some pointers but the players weren't that interested in where Scott Peterson went wrong.

Washington D.C. signed a stadium deal with Major League Baseball Wednesday and construction began. It'll be built in the city's prostitution district. To honor the neighborhood heritage, the stadium will be known as the House that Ruth Operated.

San Francisco was cut off from the Sierras Thursday by a snowstorm that buried Northern California. The storm signaled the return of El Nino. Los Angeles got so much rainfall Monday that Kobe Bryant accused Aquaman of hitting on his wife.

NASA scientists were quoted Wednesday saying there is a one- in-three-hundred chance of a newly discovered meteor slamming into the earth in thirty-six years. It's good to have early warning. Now we all know not to vacation on earth that week.

Bill Clinton urged the White House Tuesday to name someone to head the money round-up for South Asia and not just pay lip service to relief efforts. This is another flip-flop for the Democrats. Bill Clinton just came out against lip service.

The U.S. Navy acknowledged Thursday that it might yield to budget pressure and retire the USS John F. Kennedy. The aircraft carrier is obviously haunted. The ship starts spinning like a top whenever it gets within reach of the Virgin Islands.

Ramsey Clark announced Thursday he will represent Saddam Hussein. It brought supporters to tears. Saddam believed if you build a man a fire he will be warm all evening, but if you set a man on fire, he will be warm for the rest of his life.

Hillary Clinton was named Most Admired Woman in America in the Gallup Poll. She is for tax cuts and a balanced budget, she favored the Iraq war and opposes illegal immigration. In addition to believing she could run for president and win, she's apparently made a side bet with somebody that she can carry Mississippi.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2004, Argus Hamilton