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Jewish World Review Dec. 31 /6 Teves, 5764

James Lileks

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For the Left and Right, Some New Year's Resolutions | It's going to be a long 2004 for the George W. Bush haters. To help them along in the months to come, we present New Year's resolutions for avid Bush detesters, and a few for his fans as well. Start with the foes:

I resolve to examine at least one of the president's statements, acts, gestures or facial expressions without first insisting it proves that the man is a stupid chimp evil liar poopypants plastic-turkey-holding DRAFT DODGER MY G-D CAN'T YOU PEOPLE SEE HIM FOR WHAT HE IS?

I resolve to calm down. There. Let's take another run at that:

I resolve to consider that not everything Bush says is a lie. Example: If Bush says that "two plus two equals four," I will not spit "Oh, that's Enron math" and spend the rest of the day rebalancing my checkbook in Base Eight. Likewise: I resolve to entertain the idea that he has his own ideas. He is not motivated by a Halliburton-built ankle bracelet that delivers powerful shocks when he strays from the Zionist-Oilman agenda.

I resolve to grasp the absurdity of appearing on national talk shows to insist that our freedom of speech has disappeared.

I resolve, as a purely abstract philosophical matter, to consider the possibility that France may not have America's best interests as the guiding principle of its foreign policy.

I resolve to be more precise in my language. When I am tempted to criticize the administration for being "pre-emptive," I will recall that arresting all the hijackers on Sept. 10, 2001, would have been, well, pre-emptive, and that I might well have protested this indefensible act of "profiling." When I want to insist that the Iraqi campaign was "unilateral," I resolve to remind myself that dozens of nations assisted, and many have lost soldiers in the conflict. I will permit myself to point out, with the faintest of sneers, that some of these countries are small and unimportant.

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But I resolve to let at least a minute pass before I accuse the administration of contemptuous high-handedness toward our allies. By which I mean France.

I resolve to ask myself whether my attachment to French approval is uncomfortably analogous to a high school chess geek mooning after the lovely but haughty cheerleader who regards everyone with bemused contempt. She winked once. That was weeks ago. Was it all a tease?

I resolve to accept the election returns, and not spend my precious mortal allotment in the humid chambers of the Internet message boards, insisting that BushCo obviously stole the election in 46 states. Perhaps Howard Dean will lose because he suggested that the governor of a tiny, toy-sized state knew more about the military and foreign policy than a man whose policies toppled the Taliban in Afghanistan and the Baathists of Iraq, and brought Libya to heel. I resolve to deal with it and move on.

Meanwhile, I resolve to admit I'd be delighted to impeach Bush for lying to a grand jury. Even about sex. Especially about sex.

For Bush fans:

Whenever I believe that the president always and only acts from high-minded principle, I resolve to say the words "steel tariffs" and "campaign finance reform bill" in a soft, regretful voice. I resolve to recall the new prescription drug benefit, which sounds nice now but is an entitlement that will grow until it mandates government-funded Pepto-Bismol on tap in every house. And I really, truly resolve not to wish the whole "nukyular" pronunciation thing didn't dismay me at the molekyular level.

I resolve not to worry that things will go so well people feel comfortable voting for a Hillary-Clark ticket in '08. What if they recycle the '92 mantras, and cosset a quiescent public with the empty promise of "change" for the mere sake of change? Will we be so shortsighted that we turn over our security to the same crew of internationalists and appeasers? No!

Resolved: We jump off that bridge when we come to it.

Finally: I resolve not to gloat. This bitter partisanship is destructive to our nation. No gloating in November.

Resolved: Save the gloating for Inauguration Week!

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JWR contributor James Lileks is a columnist for the Minneapolis Star Tribune. Comment by clicking here.


12/22/03: Dean's black helicopters
12/15/03: Dems Are Mainstreaming the Extreme
12/08/03: Does Dean Really Want to Be President? One Wonders, When He Opens His Mouth
11/24/03: The real story: Most Brits see U.S. as force for good
11/19/03: The Trouble With Al Gore's Screed on Civil Liberties
11/11/03: Can a fellow win with the Confederate Metrosexual vote?
10/22/03: Let's make Greenpeace pay
09/29/03: Ah-nold & Clark may be on different sides of the aisles, but their supporters are cut from the same cloth
09/19/03: All Hail the Ninth Circuit Court of Surreal
08/26/03: This time, the record industry doesn't stand a chance!
08/18/03: Assessing the Schwarzenegger Factor in Republicanism
08/08/03: No wonder Howard ‘Two Covers’ Dean gets all the buzz
08/04/03: Expect bad news for the foreseeable future
07/28/03: Despot's Deserts
07/21/03: No winners in this game of gotcha
07/14/03: Doing the right thing in Liberia may not be the right thing to do
06/27/03: On feet in Democratic mouths
06/16/03: The real story behind Hillary's book
06/09/03:America's new mission was and remains: Extirpating the flaming nutballs and the societies that nurture them
06/03/03: The Constitution as gag order
05/23/03: Sometimes the theme of world events is chaos itself
05/16/03: Newspapers are only human, after all
05/13/03: What McCarthy messed up
05/06/03: Still think the International Criminal Court was a good idea?
04/03/03: The world is ending, the world is ending! Doesn't anybody care!? Why won't anybody listen!?
03/14/03: Kerry and the Dems are banking on American electorate's tendancy to forget history
02/28/03: Roadmap to peace?
02/13/03: We live in an age where the poet has been cast out from the halls of power --- sob, sob
02/10/03: Found: League for International Justice and Peace talking points
01/30/03: The US can go to war whenever it likes for its own reasons, and all the UN can do is pass more worthless paper
01/23/03: People who'd volunteer for the Iraqi army if they saw Saddam wearing a "Free Mumia" button
01/16/03: One of those head vs. heart things
12/27/02: Whistleblowers?
01/06/02: The second year of this jangled millennium
11/16/01: Attack of the 'Patriotism police' and other Hollywood fare
11/12/01: From the bleats of dismay
10/30/01: Osama and the Genie
10/08/01: "We can stop the Bush Death Juggernaut"
11/04/01: America, loathe or it leave it
09/25/01: Do the Europeans actually think that the war on murderous zealotry will be furthered by undercutting America?
08/27/01: If the economy is in a funk, why aren't we dancing?
08/14/01: Dubyah's embarrassing presidential vacation
08/10/01: Hail to our co-chiefs?
08/03/01: Constitution: George the Uniter picked a doozy to unify detractors
07/25/01: The real reason why we need missile defense (What those uppity policy wonks won't tell you!)
06/18/01: Paining the egalitarian soul
06/01/01: One of the stranger indexes you'll ever hear about
05/21/01: One man's toke is another man's snort
05/08/01: Republicans want poisoned water
04/23/01: We bleat as we're sheared
04/10/01: Boys will be boys. And that's the problem
04/06/01: Pity the anti-American Left, they're gonna have a hard time on this one
03/26/01: You've been warned
03/16/01: The GOP's inexplicable desire to fold
02/23/01: Will the Jeb Bush administration attack Saddam in 2011?
02/09/01: In search of the the first ashtray thrown by a member of the First Family
02/06/01: Can you say 'Ayatollah Bush'?
01/24/01: The new Executive Orders
01/22/01: Hey, Dubya: Wanna save Ashcroft? Teach him to rap!
01/09/01: Bubba gets his last licks
01/05/01: The low-down on the coming recession (What those snooty economists won't tell you)
12/23/00: Memo to Dubya: Wanna show who is boss? Nuke 'em!
12/06/00: The Count of Carthage
At the Sore/Loserman Transition HQ
12/01/00: The Count of Carthage
11/28/00: Clinton knows history isn't written by the victors anymore
11/17/00: Chad's the word
11/08/00: The strangest political night
11/07/00: Get ready to return to the Dark Ages

© 2003, James Lileks