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Jewish World Review Jan. 29, 2003 / 6 Shevat, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | The Rover Opportunity landed in a Mars crater Saturday after the Rover Spirit landed on a plain. The idea is to survey every terrain. Americans want to know if there's life on that planet and if there is, where do we build the first Wal-Mart.

Major League Baseball announced Monday that regular season games will be played in Tokyo and Puerto Rico this year. You simply can't put a price on good will. If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a gambling addict looks like.

The Academy Award nominations were announced Tuesday in Beverly Hills at the Motion Picture Academy. The awards ceremony in Hollywood is thirty days away. Howard Dean is heavily favored to walk away with the Oscar for Best Animated Short.

John Kerry followed last week's Iowa victory with a win in the New Hampshire Primary Tuesday. The race is expected to tighten. Next week the Democrats hold seven primaries, six of which will list John Kerry on the ballot as the Damn Yankee.

New Hampshire exit polls revealed that wine drinkers went for Kerry and beer drinkers voted for Dean. This is trouble. The party is so nervous about being associated with alcohol that Teddy Kennedy isn't even allowed to drive home a point.

Joe Lieberman refused to drop out Tuesday after tanking in New Hampshire and Iowa. His optimism has no bounds. Joe Lieberman is not the first man to stay in a presidential race for no other reason than to remind the world that I'm Here Too.

McDonald's earnings soared Tuesday from extended hours and a new ad campaign. Americans are currently enjoying epidemics of obesity, gambling and divorce. Democrats have a lot of nerve saying we can't make our own health care decisions.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton