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Jewish World Review Jan. 26, 2003 / 3 Shevat, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Kobe Bryant's lawyer said Friday that black men are sometimes falsely accused of raping white women. The point had to be made. The way the crowd cheered at Howard Dean's rebel yell at the end of his Iowa speech Monday had Kobe Bryant thinking rope.

The Golden Globes aired on NBC from Beverly Hills Sunday. It began six weeks of parties and club-hopping and sleeping around until Oscar Night. If you think the New England Patriot defense gives up nothing, you should see Lent in Los Angeles.

John Kerry went nuts on his campaign bus Thursday when he lost his boots. This after Howard Dean's rant and Wes Clark posing for a gay magazine. This isn't a field of presidential candidates, it's a road company production of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

Howard Dean owned up to his Iowa rant in his media appearances Thursday. He did the Top Ten List on David Letterman. No one wants to say Episcopalians have an easy approach to grace, but we feel absolved after we have admitted our sins to a comedian.

Howard Dean's fans vowed Thursday to stick with him even as polls showed his support melting. He started out as a promising high-tech candidate but wound up scaring people. That's what Democrats get for looking for Mr. Right on the Internet.

Howard Dean took responsibility for his Iowa rant on ABC Primetime Thursday. He said the decision was his own. It's the stupidest decision by a presidential front-runner since Gary Hart decided that his private life was his own business.

Wesley Clark appeared on the February cover of the Advocate. It's a magazine for gay men. General Clark has always had the choice of telling us why he was fired from command in Kosovo or showing us why he was fired from command in Kosovo.

John Edwards tried to express his opposition to the Defense of Marriage Act in Thursday's debate but he got the law all wrong. He looks like the winner. You aren't really Democratic presidential material unless marriage is your worst subject.

Washington D.C. former Mayor Marion Barry was hospitalized Sunday with stomach pains and fever. The doctors said it was something he ate or drank. Apparently after Marion Barry went back to legal nourishment his system just couldn't handle it.

The Comedy Store in Hollywood was the site of a Wesley Clark for President fundraiser Thursday night. The timing was unfortunate. It was hard for Wesley Clark to raise money at the Comedy Store because Howard Dean is the joke this week.

Howard Dean and his wife Judy were interviewed by Diane Sawyer Thursday. He was mellow and subdued and he just sat on the couch and smiled. The nice thing about being a doctor is you can write yourself a prescription for medical marijuana.

The Democrats held a debate in New Hampshire on Thursday featuring the seven surviving candidates. They weren't that impressive. The last time seven men of this stature were assembled they were singing Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Off to Work We Go.

Prime Minister Ariel Sharon of Israel refused to resign Thursday in the wake of corruption charges. He's been named in a real estate scandal and accused of receiving bribes. That kind of behavior isn't tolerated in America, it's re-elected.

The U.S. Senate passed the three-hundred-seventy-billion- dollar omnibus spending bill Thursday and prepared for a two- trillion-dollar budget for next year. Taxpayers forgot the first law of survival in the wilderness. Never let a dog guard your food.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton