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Jewish World Review Jan. 23, 2003 / 29 Teves, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | New Hampshire will hold its First in the Nation Primary on Tuesday. The race is in chaos. At a rally in Iowa Monday Howard Dean rolled up his sleeves and screamed and snarled and shook his fist and gave a rebel yell and he's the pacifist.

Australia was the site of the opening of a Monica Lewinsky themed restaurant called Lewinsky's in Darwin. It would be in Darwin. The progress of presidents from George Washington to Bill Clinton is living proof that Darwin got it backwards.

Mississippi's Eli Manning was rated the top pro pick by the Draft Insider's Digest. His clean lifestyle helps. Binge drinking is such a problem on campus that for the first time in history the NFL draft will also be available in bottles.

John Kerry demanded cheap prescription drugs for Americans Wednesday. Democrats want pharmaceutical firms to toil for years to develop new drugs and never see any profit from it. Research scientists have begun singing spirituals while they work.

President Bush gave a speech at a college in Arizona Wednesday. He called for work permits for illegal aliens. He must be on a diet, because defending illegal immigration in front of an Arizona crowd is a really good way to get your vegetables.

Howard Dean roared out the names of states during his speech in Iowa Monday, terrifying friend and foe alike. His political career may be over. The next time Howard Dean is pictured on a billboard he will be crouching next to Siegfried and Roy.

Howard Dean sank in the polls Tuesday after he went nuts onstage in Iowa. It was bound to surface. Howard Dean was once turned down by a country club because the membership committee refused to accept the voices inside his head as references.

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