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Jewish World Review Jan. 22, 2003 / 28 Teves, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | President Bush got a mixed reception for his State of the Union on Tuesday. The congressmen looked peeved by his sexual abstinence plan. They don't realize that due to those new camera cell phones, he is saving Congressional careers by the dozen.

Trent Lott was chosen to stay away from the Capitol so that in case a bomb wiped out the building he would survive to head the U.S. government. Reaction in the black community would be volcanic. It's President Bush's way of taking Los Angeles with him.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Senator Tom Daschle gave the Democratic Party response to the State of the Union speech Tuesday. Everyone who watched it had the same reaction. It's so nice that they found each other this late in life.

Ireland asked the European Parliament Monday to ban money for sex throughout Europe. It's a health and morality issue. It figures that the world would crack down on prostitution the same day Iowa Democrats picked two Johns out of the lineup.

Jimmy Dean was fired as spokesman for Jimmy Dean Pork Sausage Tuesday by his parent company Sara Lee. The singer reacted gracefully without flipping out and screaming and scaring people. Howard Dean accused him of disgracing the family name.

Howard Dean went crazy onstage in Iowa after his loss Monday night and began shouting out the names of states. Kellogg's just decided to put Howard Dean's photograph on every box of Rice

Howard Dean began singing the National Anthem to shut up a heckler Tuesday in New Hampshire. It was not his week. He lost Iowa, he spooked New Hampshire and his wife Judy just told him there's something she wants to tell him on the Jerry Springer Show.

The U.S. Postal Service honored the late Paul Robeson with a stamp Tuesday. The great athlete and singer and movie star tried to convert black Americans to communism in the 1940s and wound up going from Hollywood to New York to Moscow, and he didn't return for years. And now for thirty-seven cents so can your letters.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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