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Jewish World Review Jan. 21, 2003 / 27 Teves, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | The Weather Channel said Arctic air swept into the Midwest, freezing everyone in its path last weekend. The bitter cold forced many people to take desperate measures. To keep their hands warm in Iowa Monday, the Democrats burned Howard Dean.

Howard Dean launched into a frightful rant during a speech to his supporters in Iowa late Monday night. It was an unbelievable spectacle. They must keep him away from folding chairs or Howard Dean could be the next Governor of Minnesota.

Senator John Edwards of North Carolina stole the show in Iowa with a second place showing. By caucus day he convinced many Democrats that we live in two Americas. Only a Southerner would pick Martin Luther King Day to argue for secession.

President Bush delivered his State of the Union speech to a joint session of Congress last night. The annual address is America's answer to the Speech from the Throne to Parliament. It's an especially noteworthy occasion this year because not even Queen Victoria at the height of her glory ever thought of colonizing Mars.

Senate Democrats demanded the omnibus spending bill protect consumers by requiring country-of-origin labeling on beef. It's amazing. Who would believe the answer to food safety in America was the membership policy of the Los Angeles Country Club.

The Salvation Army learned the late McDonald's heir Joan Kroc left them $1.5 billion in her will. It's a wonderful organization. It has always provided a hot meal and a warm bed for people who are forced to live on what McDonald's pays them.

McDonald's dropped Kobe Bryant Monday as the television commercial spokesman for the hamburger chain. You would think he would be the perfect guy. McDonald's is in the fast food business and Kobe Bryant committed adultery in only five minutes.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton