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Jewish World Review Jan. 13, 2003 / 19 Teves, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | President Bush is attending a leadership summit in Mexico this week. He wants to allow illegal aliens to work in America and receive Social Security and bring their families up here to live. This is more than anyone expected and less than kidnappers would demand.

Iowa held a Democratic presidential debate Sunday and the candidates kept up the monotonous head whacking. Cattle ranchers have to be happy. When it comes to brain-wasting illnesses, these debates make Mad Cow look like the lesser of two evils.

Howard Dean was forced by Al Sharpton to admit Sunday that as governor of Vermont he never appointed any blacks or Latinos to his cabinet. He did what he could with what he had. People came to Vermont from the four corners of the known world, Sussex, Essex, Wessex and Kent.

Howard Dean during the Iowa debate Sunday was attacked by Al Sharpton over race, by Dennis Kucinich on taxes, by Dick Gephardt on Social Security and by John Kerry on the Iraq war. It made for riveting television. The jackals in the wild never miss an episode of Candidate Planet.

Animal Planet star Steve Irwin got in trouble again with child welfare. This time he's sure to lose custody. During a recent taping of Entertainment Tonight, Steve Irwin held his infant boy in one hand while feeding Liza Minnelli with the other.

Michael Jackson moved into a thirty-seven-thousand-square- foot hillside mansion in Beverly Hills last week. It's a three- story house. One story he tells the kids, one story he tells the moms, and one story he saves for the 60 Minutes interview.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton