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Jewish World Review Jan. 12, 2003 / 18 Teves, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | The White House reveals plans today to establish a colony on the moon. There is much riding on it. Apparently Colin Powell made a bet with Don Rumsfeld that there will be democracy on the moon before there's a functioning government in Iraq.

British Airways resumed flights to Washington D.C. Friday without any security problems. Things had gotten too tight. U.S. Ambassador to Great Britain William Farish was detained for two days when he told the customs officer he breeds Arabians.

Tom Ridge relaxed his grip on the throats of air travelers Friday and lowered the threat level. Today grandparents tell grandkids what it was like to go through the Great Depression. Sixty years from now, grandparents will tell their grandchildren what it was like to go through airports before everyone had their own plane.

Senator Tom Harkin endorsed Howard Dean Friday, calling him the Harry Truman of our time. If you are keeping score at home, Hillary Clinton is telling Gandhi jokes and Howard Dean is being compared to the only president who ever belonged to the Ku Klux Klan. The Democrats aren't giving up the red states without a fight.

Howard Dean was reported Friday to have accepted speaking fees while Vermont governor from drug firms doing business in his state. Why encourage these guys? Giving a Democrat money to talk is like paying a waterfall to go over a cliff.

John Kerry got Teddy Kennedy to come to Iowa and campaign with him. It's all about survival. When it's ten degrees below zero, it could save your life to be campaigning with somebody that always carries a keg of rum around his neck.

Gary Hart may run for the U.S. Senate in Colorado despite having a sex scandal in his past. So what if he was compromised by a photograph of a beautiful blonde sitting on his lap on a yacht in the Bahamas? Politics is the art of the compromise.

. ABC Prime Time's Charles Gibson interviewed Pete Rose Thursday about betting on Major League games. His fans were happy to see him looking so good. He was wearing a makeup by Max Factor originally developed for Richard Nixon called Instant Honest.

Pete Rose admitted gambling on Major League Baseball Thursday and demanded the forgiveness of everyone involved. He said the commissioner was out to get him. Imagine how many Philistines Samson could have slayed with the jawbone of this ass.

Pete Rose denied being a gambling addict to Charlie Gibson on ABC Prime Time Thursday. It was uncomfortable to watch. At one point they showed old footage of Pete Rose holding his infant son in one hand and feeding a loan shark with the other.

Wesley Clark rose to second place in New Hampshire polls Friday. Things look nuttier every day. General Clark tried to get NATO troops to fight the Russian Army over an airport in Kosovo and we're worried about Pete Rose's gambling problem.

The New Jersey Senate voted Thursday to give gay couples domestic partnership rights. It's bound to be misunderstood. Normally when one man kisses another man in New Jersey, it means that the Sopranos are about to lose another cast member.

NBC News dug up tapes of Howard Dean as a pundit on a Canadian talk show. He said some crazy and off-the-wall things. Now that we know he was in Canada, there is a lot of concern that his symptoms may be the first sign of Mad Democrat Disease.

Bill Clinton is negotiating with his Chinese publisher for the right to approve the Chinese translation of his memoirs. It's not going well. The Chinese know way too much about the West to believe that impeachment is another word for knighthood.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton