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Jewish World Review Jan. 8, 2003 / 14 Teves, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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And now for the
important news .... | Howard Dean was endorsed by Bill Bradley Tuesday. It unifies the party's two wings. With Al Gore's endorsement you get the right wing, with Bill Bradley's endorsement you get the left wing, and Howard Dean gives you the middle of the bird.

President Bush unveiled a proposal to reform immigration laws Wednesday that would give illegal aliens the right to stay in America and continue working. It's easy for him to say. The Constitution prohibits immigrants from taking his job.

The Detroit Auto Show displayed hybrid cars on Tuesday. They use electricity, not to save gasoline but to double the car's horsepower. You need every bit of that extra horsepower because you absolutely have to get home before it starts raining.

Pete Rose will appear on ABC tonight to discuss his gambling habit and his losses betting on baseball. His luck was no better in the casino. Pete Rose once played for two consecutive days and didn't get hit with a blackjack until he got to the parking lot.

Homeland Security ended its terror warning on Las Vegas. Who would attack the world capital of greed and lust and gluttony and drunkenness? According to the state directory, Bill Clinton is the only deadly sin without a home office in Nevada.

Hillary Clinton apologized for cracking a Mahatma Gandhi joke in Missouri on Monday. She says she admires how Gandhi protested imperialism by fasting. She would oppose occupation, too, if it would help her get down to a hundred and forty pounds.

GOP Chairman Ed Gillespie told Judy Woodruff he has posted a liberal group's TV ad comparing Hitler to Bush on the GOP website. The commercial has already had its desired effect. Poland didn't have to be told twice to help us out in Iraq.

Iran found reason to celebrate Saturday when in the rubble of the earthquake that cost the lives of thousands, a woman was found alive and well at the age of ninety-seven. It was an absolute miracle. Now she's got her whole life ahead of her.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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