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Jewish World Review Jan. 7, 2003 / 13 Teves, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | Pete Rose told ABC News Monday he bet on baseball games while he managed the Cincinnati Reds. The players should have suspected something from all the phone calls he made in the dugout. The Reds never had a bullpen coach named Yes, Godfather.

The Rover Spirit sent back photographs from a lake bed on the planet Mars on Monday. The desert surface looks hot and arid and dusty and rocky and desolate and windblown. Only Bugsy Siegel could create and sustain life in that atmosphere.

The World Series of Poker airs on NBC Sports from Las Vegas this winter. The action is riveting. Recently a player keeled over dead in the middle of a hand and out of respect for him, everyone played standing up for the rest of the evening.

President Bush in Missouri Monday defended his No Child Left Behind Act. He said he gets no credit. If the president wants the public to notice what he does for children, he will either have to sleep with them or dangle them over crocodiles.

President Bush was compared to Adolf Hitler in a television commercial aimed at winning an online contest. The ad calls Bush a Hitler for overthrowing Saddam Hussein. It proves that some people can't tell a dictator from a hole in the ground.

Bill Bradley revealed Monday he will endorse Howard Dean for president. The Vermonter already got Al Gore's endorsement. Now if he can just get his picture taken sitting on Gary Hart's lap, he can break Enron's record in the Men's Downhill.

Iowa hosted a debate Sunday in which Democrats frantically tried to portray Howard Dean as a reckless hothead. How reckless and how hotheaded? If Howard Dean becomes president, Jack Palance will have a regular gig on Saturday Night Live.

Howard Dean vowed Sunday he will learn to express his religious views so he can communicate with Southerners. We understand him just fine. Howard Dean changed from Episcopalian to Congregationalist over a bicycle path, which is the Yankee equivalent of changing from Methodist to Baptist because their Dr. Peppers are colder.

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