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Jewish World Review Jan. 6, 2003 / 12 Teves, 5764

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports

And now for the
important news .... | The FBI ordered Las Vegas hotels to report all visitors beginning Sunday. The feds already ruined the town's New Year's Eve with a false terror alert, and they plan to store nuclear waste just up the road. Even the local clergy have begun referring to Mafia rule as the good old days.

Pete Rose on Thursday releases his autobiography, My Prison Without Bars, in which he admits betting on baseball. He was always a chronic gambler. Pete Rose once went on vacation to India and spent all day at the Taj Mahal looking for the casino.

Senator Hillary Clinton was threatened with assassination by a convicted bank robber who confessed his plan to a prison psychologist. He said he was hoping to spice up his life by shooting a famous person. It seems like everybody wants her to run.

Howard Dean was revealed Sunday to have sold his bank stocks while he was Vermont governor after being tipped off by bank regulators. He sold them just before they crashed. If it turns out he traded on insider information, Kmart could drop his line of sheets and towels.

Princess Anne's bull terrier Florence was sent to an animal psychologist Friday after the dog killed the queen's pet corgi and later bit a palace maid. This is why it takes so long to fly from London to Washington. Every passenger's name has to be matched against the Terrier Watch List.

Willie Nelson performed for Democrats in Austin Sunday and sang his anti-war ballad called Whatever Happened to Peace on Earth. What a coincidence. Every April 15th, the favorite song at the Internal Revenue Service is Whatever Happened to Willie Nelson.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

© 2002, Argus Hamilton