Jewish World Review Dec. 11, 2001 / 26 Kislev, 5762

Ian Shoales

Ian Shoales
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Consumer Reports

KNITTING! -- ONE of the weeklies here in San Francisco, The Bay Guardian, recently featured a cover story on-- well, not the demise of razor scooters, or the lessons of dotcoms, or organic anthrax alternatives-- but on knitting.

That's right. Knitting. Writer Karen Solomon insists that "knitting is hip again and a favorite among San Francisco hipsters, college students, and cool kids nationwide." Later in the article, she even concludes that if you... "Tap into San Francisco's underground knitting'll find scheduled gatherings in people's homes, bars, and coffee shops at least a couple of nights a week." She talks of "old school" knitters, and a group that would meet for "whiskey-infused knit nights."

I thought this might be one of those jokes we used to have before we went to war, but there are actual links in the article to the "community fabric of knitting."

Well, this is just silly. I don't doubt that people knit. My daughter knits. Her friends knit. My mom knits. But, in my humble opinion, there is no such thing as EXTREME KNITTING.

There are no underground knitters. What would be the point? What, are they terrorist cells? No, they're making mufflers. Little caps. Socks. Perhaps, if they're very sinister and ambitious, little pet sweaters. There is nothing underground about it!

Whiskey infused knit nights, indeed. Give me a break. You can't knit on whiskey. Ask my Mom. That's like asking a spider to make a web on LSD. Ask my Mom.

What's next, Power Putting Food By? Ecstasy laced sock darning sessions? Hip hop ironing? Waxing wood surface orgies? Next thing you know, decoupage will make a comeback, paint-by-numbers, jigsaw puzzles, and pinochle-- strip pinochle.

I'm telling you, if my mom shows up at the door sporting a tattoo and a ball of yarn, I'm taking the next bust to Canada.

I've had it.

JWR contributor Ian Shoales is the author of, among others, Not Wet Yet: An Anthology of Commentary. Comment by clicking here.


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© 2001, Ian Shoales