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MAKING A BIRTHDAY CAKE is a lot like making a Jewish home. Let me explain. Some
people don't bake at all, some use mixes; and still others prefer to make
cakes from scratch. While some use premixed versions, I find that people who
mix their own ingredients find a greater satisfaction.
In our family, both birthday and Jewish rituals evolved as my children began
to grow up. The way in which both occurred was by allowing each member of the
family to contribute. In the beginning, this interactive method took more
time, but in the long run, it created happier children and a stronger family.
This year, after our move to Brooklyn, the first family birthday was my son's.
Because we are living in small quarters, we couldn't do many of our usual
birthday routines, and I think we all missed the rituals that we had followed
in the house that the children had known all their lives. We had to improvise.
My son's birthday fell on Shabbes, the Jewish Sabbath. I work many more hours than I had as a
university professor and this year, I didn't have time to bake my son's cake
ahead of time. So, we anxiously watched the clock until Shabbes was over and I
would be able to bake the cake that had become our family's special recipe.
The recipe is such a family tradition that it is hard to remember that years
ago, it took time to decide on one. But whichever cake we baked, the baking
was a family effort, even during the years when the children envied commercial
cake with all the fancy roses and lettering.
I was adamant. Birthday cakes were to be homemade, even if my lettering were
uneven and my flowers melted back into the icing. This year, in our small
quarters and without as much of our usual ritual, the birthday cake was made.
It came out of the pan perfectly. After it cooled, we spread the raspberry
jam in the middle and made our traditional mocha icing. I had forgotten
birthday candles but we ended up using a large scented candle my daughter had
bought. Suddenly, the birthday seemed right, even though we were far from the
Indiana we still think of as home.
A friend of my son's was with us while I made the cake. His family had always
bought the commercial cakes my children used to yearn for. He seemed so
intrigued that I asked him to help. He beat the egg whites and mixed the
icing. When he tasted the finished cake, he beamed. "I helped make this cake!
This is the best I've ever eaten."
I was struck by his comment. This cake was the first he had ever help make
and that is why it tasted so wonderful to him. Families create close ties by
following the same recipe.
I have found that when we help make the cake, it always tastes better. When
cake baking becomes a family project, no fancy store-bought cake can take its
place. This is true even in the years when the cake fell apart as we took it
from the pan and we had to glue it together with icing. (My husband liked
those cakes the best.)
The rituals of our lives are made special not by the money we spend on them
but by the time families spend making them special. This is true not only for
birthdays but for many areas of family life.
When we put up our sukkahs before the holiday of Tabernacles, bake our challahs or bless our food, it is
important to have our children part of that process. Rituals become an
important factor in our lives when we participate in them, not merely when
they are presented to us. By allowing my children to bake with me, I always
had more mess to clean up, but today, my children and I are still baking
birthday cakes together.
Like our birthday ritual, Judaism in my house was carefully and slowly crafted
over the years. It moved from the days when we were non-observant in Muncie,
Indiana, to Orthodox Jews in Brooklyn, New York. Like many families in our
situation, we are still changing and growing.
Working as a principal has shown me, more than ever that this hands-on
philosophy is successful. I tell parents that it is important to our children
to share what we do. Whether already frum or moving towards observance,
families need to create their own versions of traditional rituals-from
selecting Chanukah menorahs to favorite Shabbos meals.
We should keep in mind that the moments our children will remember are those
we fashion
Jewish World Review Dec. 4, 1998 / 15 Kislev, 5759
A birthday in Brooklyn
By Susan R. Weintrob
JWR contributor Susan R. Weintrob is the Principal of the Yeshiva of Manhattan Beach in
Brooklyn, NY.
