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Jewish World Review Feb. 6, 2001 / 13 Shevat, 5761
As an administrator in a Jewish day school, I began to
understand that swimming was not only the skill itself, but a metaphor
for much more.
A few days after school began, in my first year as a
principal (still a rookie in every sense of the word), I encountered a girl
having tantrums in the hall. "Shelley" would literally scream and
cry in the halls because of
hurt feelings after encounters with certain
classmates. Apparently, this
behavior had been tolerated by the previous
administrations because the girl
"had problems."
In fact, the previous
principal told me that he tried to
reach out to her -- but he really didn't know what
to do to help her.
I wasn't sure what to do myself. How could a
child reach adolescence with
this type of behavior? Each time I saw her
sobbing -- whether she had misplaced
her locker combination or had been excluded from a
lunchtime conversation by
a classmate -- I knew I should do more than
sympathize. But like the principal
before me, I wasn't sure what to do.
By November, I saw these outbursts on a weekly
basis. Finally, one day, I
brought her into my office and told her that I was
calling her parents.
"This will be the last time you have an outburst in
the hall like this,"I
told her, my voice rising loudly above her sobs.
"Next time, you will be out
of this school." Despite her entreaties, I called
her parents, had them pick her up and told them that within 2 weeks, the child
had to be in counseling.
I was shaking inside. Perhaps I should have followed
what my predecessors had
done -- sympathize with an obviously troubled girl.
Each time I saw Shelley, my
heart went out to her. I saw her sitting alone at
lunch. That caused me to
reorganize the lunch hour so that each class had to sit
together avoiding
ostracizing of any child. I saw her and others alone at
recess, so during
this time, I opened up the library, the computer lab
and offered optional
classes so that the large gym was not the only choice
for any student. Yet,
these measures had obviously not helped this poor
girl.
During that fall, I went to a workshop on child abuse
sponsored by the Bureau
of Jewish Education. All administrators and teachers
have to attend such
workshops to be certified. Taught by two very talented
women, they spoke of a
philosophy which addressed not only abused children
but other troubled
children.
The speakers told us that despite our great feelings of
sympathy for the
problems that abused or psychologically troubled
children have, we had to be
careful not to be "enablers." What was an
enabler? An enabler allows the
problems to continue by assuming that the child could
never conquer them. So
the child could sit in your office and not go to class
because we feel sorry
for her. The child could continue with destructive
behavior without
consequences because he had problems at home.
The child could continue
having tantrums and we would turn our heads
because we cared so much about
the child but didn't know what to do.
I sat up straight in my chair and listened to every word.
The alternative to
enabling was not easy but in the long run, the child
was given a more
optimistic view of his or her future. As educators,
we must relay to these
children that despite the problems they have, they can
succeed. Therefore,
the children could come to your office for comfort after
some incident, but
then had to go back to class, because you, the
administrator, knew that they
could. When children had inappropriate outbursts of
crying or talking back,
they had to know that this behavior would have
consequences -- whether it was a
conference with their parents or perhaps detention.
When inappropriate
behavior occurred, in whatever form, the children
would be given alternative
scenarios -- because we knew that the children could
successfully modify their
behavior. This was a confirmation of the
children's abilities and future.
Those who consistently give excuses for the
misbehavior of a particular child
do it out of the great sympathy for the child's
problems and equally out of
an inability to know what to do. During the course of
a day, it is difficult
to know when a child needs commiseration or
discipline. What becomes clear
is that after frequently repeated misconduct, more
than sympathy is needed.
Otherwise, we allow certain children to cripple
themselves by their
behavior.
I began to see the wisdom in the Torah's
instruction to teach our children
how to swim. We will not always be with our
children and we cannot always
save them. Therefore, we must give them the skills,
such as swimming, to help
themselves.
I do not look forward to telling colleagues or parents
that schooling our
children in the skills that they need often involves
tough teaching. It is
much easier not to confront lateness to class or
rudeness to teachers because
students may have problems at home. Accepting
consequences for our behavior
is not easy at any time. However, to teach our
children the skills they need
to succeed, we must enforce standards of behavior.
As a postscript--- during that same fall, Shelley's
behavior improved. She
had no more tantrums in school. There were times
when she would begin, but
one look or word from me enabled her to gain
control. I will not say that
her social situation totally improved, but I noticed that
lunchtimes were not
as painful and occasionally, she was asked to be in a
group for class work.
Shelley went on to high school, I hadn't heard
from her in several years,
when one day, I opened my
email and was surprised to
find a note from her.
Thank you for everything good that you did for me at
school. I am most
grateful. Your inspiration continues to guide me in
my new school.
I am pretty sure that you would like to hear about how
I'm doing. The answer:
I am just so happy! I have so many new friends. And
the girls actually want
to be my friend. Academically, I'm one of the top in
my grade. I love my
teachers and I love the principal. I'm in choir, art
society, and the
school's magazine. I really love school this year. I miss
you so much. I miss
our honors classes.
One of the more difficult aspects of teaching or
administrating is that we
often do not get to see how we affect our
students.They graduate and we often
never hear from them again. Receiving a note from
Shelley lifted my spirits
for the entire day. The joy in her writing was
evident.
In a way, her note told me that I had taught her to
Teach our
children
to swim
By Susan R. Weintrob
Dear Mrs. Weintrob,
JWR contributor Susan Rubin Weintrob is a writer and educator living
in Teaneck, N.J. Send your comments to her by clicking here.
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