In this issue
April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review May 28, 2008 / 23 Iyar 5768

Are these parents just too slow to be quick?

By Richard Lederer

Bill O'Reilly
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | A fifth-grade pupil wrote in an essay: "I have enjoyed my boyhood so much that I am looking forward to my adultery."

A young woman wrote to advice columnist Dorothy Dix: "I have been an adolescent for the past six or seven years. When will I grow up to be an adulteress?"

Eventually little boys and girls do grow up to become adults and adulteresses, at which point their writing is supposed to get better. But that is not always the case. If you wonder why Johnny and Jane can't write, take a look at some of the prose miscreated by their moms and dads. Here are some poor excuses for excuse notes that were actually received by teachers throughout our land:

  • Please excuse Raul from school yesterday. He had a stomach egg.

  • Susan was not in school today because she had her first menopause.

  • Stanley had to miss some school. He had an attack of whooping cranes in his chest.

  • Gerald was out last week because his grandmother died in Kentucky again.

  • Please excuse Margie for being absent Wednesday and Thursday as she was sick with a stripped throat and an absent tooth.

  • Ronnie could not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling.

  • The basement of our house got flooded where the children sleep so they had to be evaporated.

  • I kept Monica home today because she was not feeling too bright.

  • Please excuse my daughter. She had an abominable pain.

  • Please can Jill not have Jim today? She had Jim last week and is still sore.

  • Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.

  • Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.

  • Please refuse Robert's absents last Friday. He had a sour thought.

  • Please forgive Clarence for being absent from school the past few days. He was home sick from an operation. He had trouble and had to be serpent sized.

  • Please excuse Redbird. Every time she coff she make whoopie.

  • Jennifer was late due to our clock getting unplugged and waking up late.

  • Please excuse the stink on Bill's clothes. We've been spraying the garden because it is full of abnoxous incests.

  • Please excuse Jane. She had an absent tooth. Wednesday she will have an appointment with the ornithologist.

  • Please excuse my daughter's absence for the past week, as she had a case of the fool.

  • Please escuse my daughter's absence. She had her periodicals.

  • Please excuse Connie from gym class to day, as she had difficulty breeding.

  • Paulie was late because he was not too early. He is never in no hurry. He is too slow to be quick.

Is there any excuse for the disrepair of these excuse notes?

Or are the parents just too slow to be quick? .

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JWR contributor Richard Lederer is a language maven. More than a million of his books, which have been Book-of-the-Month Club and Literary Guild alternate selections, are in print. His latest work is Presidential Trivia: The Feats, Fates, Families, Foibles, and Firsts of Our American Presidents

© 2008, Richard Lederer