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Jewish World Review
Feb. 24, 2006
/ 26 Shevat, 5766
The Free World was Fun While It Lasted
Next month, a United Arab Emirates
company named Dubai Ports World is set to take over commercial management of six major U.S. ports. Attorney General
Alberto Gonzales and other defenders of the deal assure us that the firm went through a "very extensive" review process.
I've conducted an extensive review process of my own, and found that ARABS will be running our ports. If on September
12th, 2001, I'd gone around telling people that in a few years we'd be having an all-Arab company managing our ports, I'd
have been committed. But since President Bush tells me I've got nothing to be worried about, I think I'll try casually stopping
by the management offices of these ports, wearing a particularly blingy Star of David pendant around my neck, and see what
The AP reports that the firm "pledged to continue participating in programs to stop smuggling and detect illegal shipments of
nuclear materials," but I think Oslo showed us what a Middle Eastern pledge amounts to.
White House counselor Dan Bartlett defended the plan on "The Early Show," saying, "The president wants this deal to go
forward because it was followed by the book and he wants Congress to understand that."
It's nice that we have a rule book which we follow, but unfortunately, Arab countries also have a rule book-and it outlines
how to deal with infidels wherever you encounter them, and how agreements with infidel nations can and should be used. I
know most Americans were hoping the Islamic takeover would happen more gradually, but the president has given it a boost
now, saving the movement several years.
Many see "anti-Arabism," "bigotry" and "phobia" in the uproar over the ports deal, but the problem isn't that so much; it's just
that we don't want to die. Then again, since leaving the USSR, I've enjoyed over 25 years of freedom. That's more than a lot
of people ever get a taste of in their lifetimes, and I don't want to be ungrateful. Therefore, in honor of next month's port sale,
and in the spirit of gratitude for what was, following is a list of a few of my favorite things from this life:
- Dogs (especially mutts)
- Palm trees
- Hot fudge sundaes (I said fudge, not chocolate syrup!)
- Roller coasters
- Chocolate cake (must be moist)
- Manicures (acrylic tips)
- My normal, all-American teen years
- Working out at 1 a.m.
- "South Park"
- Cosmopolitans (cotton-candy pink, not red)
- Lipstick (glossy)
- Heather Robinson
- Trains (not subways)
- Meeting my husband in 7th Grade (and rejecting him for the next 12 years)
- 80s rock
- Buffets (After 9/11, my husband and I started hitting every buffet we could find, but on the east coast these are limited to
Sundays, so we moved to Vegas, where you can eat buffets all day, every day. So far, I've put on 40 pounds. Because I
figure that when Islam completes its takeover of the West, if it's generous enough to put any Jews in concentration camps
before liquidating, I would have enough fat to live on for six to eight months before starving.)
- Dog the Bounty Hunter
- Dancing (the "Fame" and "Flashdance" kind)
- My first job (Darrell's Almost Famous Ice Creamery and Café in Baltimore)
- Costume jewelry (If you've never been to the wholesale jewelry district in New York, schedule a final trip to the city before
it's wiped out. The baubles reside on both Broadway and Sixth Avenue, between 27th and 38th Streets. You won't believe
the prices of these dazzling creations; they're made in China (that enemy is much more fun, giving us some bling for our buck at
least, and burying us in much more sparkly ways). (What is it about an oppressive Communist regime that churns out the most
fabulous costume jewelry? The Soviet Union never came up with stuff like this. Tsar Nicholas would be jealous.))
- Good chain restaurants like the Cheesecake Factory
- The Internet
- We The Living
- Sleeping (It's not true that "you can sleep when you're dead." You become pure energy, without a body that requires
- Starbucks (not the coffee; the atmosphere)
- Movies (action and horror, not films)
- George W. Bush (before he broke my heart and issued my death warrant--and I think it's pretty thankless, after the way I've
defended him for six years, that he would choose the Arabs over this Jew)
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JWR contributor Julia Gorin is a widely published op-ed writer and comedian who blogs at www.JuliaGorin.com. Comment on by clicking here.
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