JWR Schticks and groans

In this issue

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review Oct. 25, 2006 / 3 Mar-Cheshvan, 5767

Dear Divine, From Oprah

"Discovered" by Judy Gruen

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The talk show host attempts to woo the ultimate guest

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | To: G-d
From: Oprah
Subject: Would love to have you on the show

Dear G-d,

I have believed in You all of my life, from my humble beginnings in that ramshackle Mississippi backwater where we were so poor I barely had shoes (let alone a closet full of Manolo Blahniks), to where I am today, with a staff of hundreds, including my personal chefs, personal trainers, wardrobe consultants, and other hard-working folks who keep my multi-billion dollar media empire humming. I thank You for believing in me and for making me so incredibly shrewd, yet relatable at the same time.

Although I really appreciate all that You have done, it's pretty clear that You are not as powerful as You once were, whereas I am becoming more powerful with each passing segment of The Oprah Winfrey Show.

For example, when I recommend a new bra, tens of millions of women stampede the malls, searching for that exact style. They will not sleep at night until they get that bra. When I recommend a book, they won't have a moment's peace until they read it. Decorators across the country were suddenly booked a year in advance after I broadcast the show, "Is your home decor stuck in the 80s?"

Ask Yourself, Lord, do You still command this kind of authority?

I'll admit, when reporters first asked me, "Oprah, are you G-d?" I denied it. First, it would seem arrogant, and that's one thing I really, really hate. Anyone who saw how I took that arrogant, lying sonofabitch James Frey out to the woodshed on my show would think twice before daring to behave like this in front of me. With my moral authority rising to these unprecedented levels, it becomes harder and harder to deny the possibility that I really might be divine.

Maybe if You had started a web site, or had asked me to recommend a really shrewd PR firm, my ministry wouldn't have outstripped Yours. However, as I always say, it never pays to look back in regret. I've got more than 50 million people watching my television show (check newspaper listings for local air time), more millions who read O, The Oprah Magazine, featuring Me on the cover in a different outfit and a different sized body each month. I've got a 24-hour lifestyle program on XM satellite radio, and despite some grousing on Wall Street I will not take that venture public. Like You, I like to call the shots, and hell if I'm going to answer to a bunch of shareholders who don't know the first thing about running a vast media empire. When you combine all this with my workshops, message boards, book club, Oprah boutique, and so much more, well, I think the point is made. I mean, I even have my own Angel Network.

G-d, You taught me to dream big. I listened to that voice, and embraced the message. I even realized that the whole "Oprah for President" business was just a ruse, a way for You to get me to realize my full transformational potential. Now I see that You not only wanted me to be G-d-like in my ability to give away Pontiac G6s to everyone in my audience, get Christina Anampour or Ralph Lauren on my set at the snap of my fingers, and order the entire nation to send money to help the victims of Darfur. It was to actually become G-d.

Even for Me, this was heady stuff. When I began to think of the implications, I needed to sit quietly with a cup of herbal tea. I asked my staff not to disturb Me, even though they were eager to show Me the photos of Myself for the next month's magazine cover, where I look stunning in size 6 (can you believe it?) camel slacks and a divine chocolate shearling jacket. This was big. Bigger than getting Faith Hill to divulge her recipe for cornbread on my show. Bigger than Tom Cruise's moon bounce on my couch. Bigger, even, than the show when we revealed the last pair of tweezers you'll ever need.

Besides, you are probably feeling a little burned out after so many thousands of years of being G-d. Who wouldn't? And let's face facts: Nobody can stay in the limelight forever. I feel total serenity with my new mission, and my leap into the evolutionary light. You have allowed Me to discover my truest potential. I thank you for that.

So I accept. I will end all speculation and announce to the world that I am, in fact, G-d. I have already confided this to a few close friends and promised them that it won't change anything between us. Most felt relieved, but one did ask, since I was now G-d, and probably would no longer have use for my estimated $1.4 billion net worth, could I throw a little moola his way? I said, sure, no sweat.I even tossed in a navy bucket hat with the Oprah Book Club logo embroidered on it. If G-d can't be generous, who can?

How can I thank you for leading me on this extraordinary journey? The most meaningful thing I can think of is to invite you as a guest on The Oprah Winfrey show. I'm sure you realize that most people would volunteer to become double amputees for an opportunity of this kind. And if the audience really connects with you, we may have you back on a regular basis. (I assume frequent travel won't pose any difficulties.) Dr. Phil started that way, look what happened! A TV show, bestselling books, the works. It could happen to you, too.

Unfortunately, our schedule is kind of booked for the next few months. There's just no way we can bump the upcoming shows, "Are you a closet racist?" and "Gospel singers addicted to porn." We could potentially book you for a week from Thursday, but I have to warn you that if Parvez Musharraf's schedule opens up, it'll be a no-go. He promised to share his secret recipe for spicy hummus, and I for one just can't wait. In the meantime, since you will be looking for a new line of work, you may want to sign up to receive a daily emailed inspiration from our Mission Calendar. Or take our online quiz, "How Can I Become My Best Self?", and post your thoughts online with our Circle of Friends. They are amazingly supportive people who, like you, are searching for ways to celebrate all of life's opportunities.

In closing, I am giving you my top-secret email address. Please keep it confidential. You have no idea how many computer servers will go down if this info gets out. But feel free to drop me a line anytime, especially if you meet any transgendered people who have managed to lose weight and keep it off. These folks have been maddeningly hard to find.

So thank you. You have been so supportive, and I'll never forget it. Remember, let your inner dreams rise with the sun!

Imagine Peace,


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JWR contributor and humorist Judy Gruen is the author of "Carpool Tunnel Syndrome" and "Till We Eat Again". Comment by clicking here.

© 2006, Judy Gruen