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February 3, 2012
Edmund Sanders : Israeli official says Iran is creating missile that could reach East Coast of US
Victoria Kim: Immigrant-smuggling ring used black drivers to avoid racial profiling
February 2, 2012
Jim Carney: Wrong number call may have saved her life
Reza Kahlili : Ex-CIA spy in Iran's Revolutionary Guard: What Obama doesn't grasp about striking deals with Tehran
Tina Susman: For woodchuck rescuer, every day is Groundhog Day
February 1, 2012
Brian Bennett: US officials see increasing threat of domestic attack from Iran
Emily Brandon: How to Take Advantage of New 401(k) Fee Disclosures
January 31, 2012
January 30, 2012
Paul Richter and Ramin Mostaghim: Misreading Teheran's limits -- deadly and economically devastating as they may be -- is a risk administration, Europe seem willing to take
Suzanne Bohan: Warning: Nap-deprived tots missing more than sleep, study finds
Meg Handley: Banks Revamping Rewards Programs to Woo Customers
January 27, 2012
Caroline B. Glick: Obama: Of course I intend to prevent a nuclear holocaust . . . in a few months
Yochonon Donn: In liberal New York City, fervently-Orthodox Jews may soon be getting a district to call their own
Jeannine Stein: An inflated ego and thinking you're 'all that' doesn't just make others sick of you, it can make you ill
Katy Hopkins: New budget rules may affect how much money you get for college
January 26, 2012
Ed Koch: To the New York Times, calling for the murder of Jews by those capable of having their incitement taken seriously isn't news
Jeannine Stein: Mental illness struck one in five U.S. adults in 2010: Report
January 25, 2012
Richard Simon: House passes two bills endorsing the use of religious symbols at military memorials
Fred Weir: Putin: Multiethnic Russia cannot survive as a US-style 'melting pot'; must find its own way
Susan Johnston: 5 Sneaky Coupon Strategies Consumers Should Watch Out For
January 24, 2012
Carol Clark: The price of your soul: How your brain decides whether to 'sell out'
Caroline B. Glick: America lost most in 'Arab Spring'. Sadly, many voters still don't grasp the extent
Warren Richey: Drug criminal scores win in GPS ruling from conservative-leaning high court
Erika Bolstad: Black conservatives gather to talk about gaining strength
January 23, 2012
Melissa Dribben: Jewish voters to play a key role in Florida's Republican primary
Jordan Rau: In quest to grow, Catholic hospital system will announce this morning its break from church
Ali Safi: U.S. envoy gives Taliban terms for peace talks
January 19, 2012
January 18, 2012
January 17, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney Jr.: No-kidding red lines: U.S. response to an Iranian nuke may be bluster, but Israel's won't be
David G. Savage: They sued their principals after slandering them online --- now the cases are headed to the Supreme Court
David Francis: Where to Invest in 2012: With stocks expected to rebound, opportunity abounds for investors
January 13, 2012
Ben Lynfield: Israeli lawmakers move to annex Jewish Judea, one museum at a time
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: Thriving through touch: Gentle massage helps older people with low mobility improve in mind and body
January 12, 2012
Warren Richey: Landmark Supreme Court ruling a 'resounding win' for religious groups
Warren Richey: Supreme Court says no to new rule on eyewitness testimony
John Fauber : Statins found to raise diabetes risk in postmenopausal women
Katy Hopkins : Consider This Before You Pay for an Online Degree
The Kosher Gourmet by Joseph Erdos: This mushroom and barley soup has an intense -- almost nutty -- flavor that mixes robust with Middle East. It has creaminess without cream
January 11, 2012
Shari Roan: Millions of atrial fibrillation sufferers at risk for devastating, but preventable, stroke
Tom Hussain: Pakistan -- recipient of more than $21 billion in civilian and military aid -- speeds pursuit of Iranian pipeline, defying US
David G. Savage: High court signals it won't be loosening TV's 'indecency' rules
Stephen Ceasar: Oklahoma's Islamic law amendment can't go into effect, court rules
January 10, 2012
Reza Kahlili: From an ex-CIA spy: US must exploit new split in Iran's Revolutionary Guard
Karen Kaplan: Study: Nicotine replacement products ineffective when used in real-life situations
January 9, 2012
Michael Doyle: Put through legal hell over dream home, couple fought back hard --- all the way to Supreme Court
January 6, 2012
January 5, 2012
Tom A. Peter: Taliban talks: In administration's push to negotiate with terrorists, was a key hurdle overlooked?
Pete Spotts: Time cloaking: How scientists opened a hidden gap in time
Karen Kaplan: Teens aren't too old to boost their IQ, study finds
January 4, 2012
Scott Baldauf: Islamist terror group giving Christians living in north Nigeria days to flee
Howard LaFranchi : An accelerating covert war with Iran: Could it spiral into military action?
January 3, 2012
Tom A. Peter: Release several Taliban leaders from Guantanamo Bay; give them headquarters as confidence-building measure?
Elaine Woo: Thomas T. Johnson, L.A. judge who ruled that Holocaust was a fact, dies at 88
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Jewish World Review
Feb. 21, 2008
/ 15 Adar I 5768
Time for a ‘Jewish Mother’ President
by
Judy Gruen
This Member Of the Tribe has a platform unlike anybody else!
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Today I am announcing my candidacy for president of the United States. It's a little late in the game, but frankly, I got fed up with all those specious claims that this has been a historically diverse election. Sure, we've had a Mormon, a Baptist minister, a Catholic, and various other Christians running for president, including one who, according to some reports, has attended a Muslim madrasa. We've also had a woman candidate, candidates with poufy, pretty hair, candidates with thinning hair, candidates who were once so poor they lived in their cars (or claimed to) and candidates so rich they could blithely plunk down $40 million of their own money on their campaigns.
But this election will not truly look like America, will not transcend the petty partisan politics of the past, without a Jewish mother candidate. Yes, running for president will complicate my schedule for the next many months, but who better to make sacrifices than a Jewish mother? Therefore, I am throwing my hat into the ring. (Not the really beautiful burnt sienna floral hat - I'm saving that for taking the oath of office.)
I acknowledge that I have several disadvantages as a presidential candidate. For one, my father never worked in a steel mill. Second, I am vertically challenged, and the conventional wisdom is that the tallest candidate usually wins. This means that at this point, I could only beat Dennis Kucinich. Finally, my campaign war chest only has $312.87. But this campaign is about hope and optimism, about people shouting "Yes we can!" Well, I can shout too!
You may ask, what do I stand for? What experience do I have? Here, in brief, are some of my qualifications and policy plans as the nominee of the Maven Party:
Federal budget: I am better qualified to tame our bloated federal budget than anyone. Other candidates may talk a good game of getting rid of "pork," (you should pardon the expression) but only a president with three sets of dishes in the White House can swear to excise anything that oinks from spending bills that cross my desk. Similarly, launching an insurgency candidacy at this stage has saved my campaign at least $120 million. This is exactly the kind of fiscal discipline I will bring to the Oval Office.
Tax policy: I will cut taxes for every income level, and give tax credits for proven charitable donations and Botox treatments in women over 40. Billionaires like Warren Buffet who feel taxes are not high enough will receive pre-printed envelopes with the address of the Internal Revenue Service so they can make voluntary contributions. Be my guest, Warren.
Foreign policy: Don't be fooled by my total lack of government experience. Maybe if Condi Rice or Madeline Albright had raised three boys and one girl very close in age who spent the first dozen years of their lives trying to reenact ancient biblical fraternal feuds, maybe they would have learned a thing or two about political diplomacy. Believe me, if I managed to keep bloodshed from spilling around here, I can do it anywhere.
Israel: Read my lips: Anyone who aims a threatening weapon at Israel is toast.
Health care: Too many Americans lack coverage, I realize, so I will introduce legislation that will require three-quarter-inch sleeves on all new women's and girls' blouses beginning in 2009. This will reduce the incidence of colds and flu, thus reducing needless trips to the doctor. My economic advisors estimate that adding to clothing coverage will reduce overall health care costs by up to $23 billion by 2112. Also, if everyone would just listen to me and eat
more green vegetables, we'd all get sick less.
Global Warming: I'm always cold, so I for one would welcome this trend.
Education: My plan will require special retraining of U.S. schoolchildren to only use the word "like" when they mean to convey that a) something is similar to something else or b) that they admire or approve of something. Schools that don't help in eradicating this verbal tic among the nation's youth will lose federal funding.
Marriage: I fully support a federal marriage amendment that states that marriage is an institution of one man, one woman, one minivan, children (if possible) and separate checking accounts. This is a safeguard to preserve the harmony of all marriages.
So there you have it, my Maven platform in a nutshell. I am prepared to face hecklers for some of my more controversial positions. But this doesn't scare me - I have teenagers. I am vetted and tested and can repeat the words "Yes we can!" over and over. So I'll see you on the campaign trail, energizing my base and glad handing (at least the women) in pancake houses around the country. Which reminds me: What am I going to eat on the campaign trail?
In lieu of supporting her presidential campaign, Judy Gruen welcomes your support of her latest book, "The Women's Daily Irony Supplement". To purchase it at a discount, please click here. You can read more of her work on www.judygruen.com.
Comment by clicking here.
© 2008, Judy Gruen
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