JWR Schticks and groans

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In this issue

Dec. 1, 2008

Max Freidlander, as told to Jacklyn C. Wadler: India Inkings

Mark Steyn: Whodunit!?

Nov. 28, 2008

Rabbi Ahron Rapps: An evil seed that didn't have to be

Melanie Phillips: Carpe diem --- or can we all relax now?

Nov. 26, 2008

Michael Feldberg: Meet the Orthodox Jew who laid groundwork for scientific development of ordnance that undergirds America's current world leadership

Andrea Simantov: Shades of life

Nov. 25, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir : Getting Emotional For Influence

The Kosher Gourmet by Ethel G. Hofman : Thanksiving feast!

Nov. 24, 2008

Rabbi S. Binyomin Ginsberg: 'I just Became a grandchild!'

Barry Rubin: Don't flatter your enemies, protect your friends

Nov. 21, 2008

Rabbi A. Henach Leibowitz: Money matters?

Caroline B. Glick: Civilization walks the plank

Nov. 20, 2008

Rabbi Avi Shafran: Bronfman's blindness

The Kosher Gourmet By Linda Gassenheimer: Portobellos add a hearty flavor to pasta with pesto

Nov, 19, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir : Spread the wealth? Jewish tradition and income equality

Elliot B. Gertel: 'Mad Men': Tackling prejudices or reinforcing them?

Nov, 18, 2008

Dr. Debby Schwarz Hirschhorn: The End of the Age of Reason

Jonathan Tobin: Does Barack + Bibi = Disaster?

Nov, 17, 2008

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: The End of the Age of Reason

Diana West: Gulling Americans into making terror legit?

Nov, 14, 2008

Rabbi A. Henach Leibowitz: The Power of Spiritual Inertia

Caroline B. Glick: The perils ahead

Nov, 13, 2008

Stratfor Intelligence Briefing: How Bush and Obama together could change the Middle East dynamic

The Kosher Gourmet by JeanMarie Brownson: Sweet and savory, crispy and meltingly tender bestilla

Nov, 12, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir : Tyrannical Co-Workers

Michael Doyle: High Court to consider today donated monuments that may have religious messages in public parks

Nov, 11, 2008

Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Will Obama stop government officials considering institutionalizing financial jihad?

Jonathan Tobin: They Will Decide Their Own Fate

Nov, 10, 2008

Rabbi Avi Shafran: $8 billion, modern-day Tower of Babel being built?

Barry Rubin: A letter to the president-elect from a Middle East realist

Nov, 7, 2008

Rabbi Francis Nataf: Of Children and Immortality

Caroline B. Glick: Livni's Obama strategy

Nov, 6, 2008

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: How I tricked a classroom of apathetic students into grasping the fallacy of moral relativism

The Kosher Gourmet By Gina Kim: Tips for making the perfect soup --- includes recipes

Nov, 5, 2008

The Jewish Ethicist By Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir: Destitute Debtors

Bruce Weinstein: 'Religulos': Bad title,even worse movie

Nov, 4, 2008

Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Treasury Dept. submits to Shariah law

Frida Ghitis: A surprise for Obama in the Middle East

Nov, 3, 2008

Jonathan Rosenblum: Who says Jews are Smart?

Jonathan Tobin: Was He Wrong About Everything?

March 22, 2007

J-Rhythms with Avraham Rosenblum: JWR's cutting-edge music program showcasing performers -- singers, song writers, musicians, and bands -- who learn and live the Torah lifestyle (OUR NEWEST IGODCAST !)

Oct. 29, 2003
Mortimer B. Zuckerman: Graffiti On History's Walls (MUST-READ!)

Jewish World Review Feb. 21, 2008 / 15 Adar I 5768

Time for a ‘Jewish Mother’ President

by Judy Gruen



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This Member Of the Tribe has a platform unlike anybody else!


http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Today I am announcing my candidacy for president of the United States. It's a little late in the game, but frankly, I got fed up with all those specious claims that this has been a historically diverse election. Sure, we've had a Mormon, a Baptist minister, a Catholic, and various other Christians running for president, including one who, according to some reports, has attended a Muslim madrasa. We've also had a woman candidate, candidates with poufy, pretty hair, candidates with thinning hair, candidates who were once so poor they lived in their cars (or claimed to) and candidates so rich they could blithely plunk down $40 million of their own money on their campaigns.


But this election will not truly look like America, will not transcend the petty partisan politics of the past, without a Jewish mother candidate. Yes, running for president will complicate my schedule for the next many months, but who better to make sacrifices than a Jewish mother? Therefore, I am throwing my hat into the ring. (Not the really beautiful burnt sienna floral hat - I'm saving that for taking the oath of office.)


I acknowledge that I have several disadvantages as a presidential candidate. For one, my father never worked in a steel mill. Second, I am vertically challenged, and the conventional wisdom is that the tallest candidate usually wins. This means that at this point, I could only beat Dennis Kucinich. Finally, my campaign war chest only has $312.87. But this campaign is about hope and optimism, about people shouting "Yes we can!" Well, I can shout too!


You may ask, what do I stand for? What experience do I have? Here, in brief, are some of my qualifications and policy plans as the nominee of the Maven Party:


Federal budget: I am better qualified to tame our bloated federal budget than anyone. Other candidates may talk a good game of getting rid of "pork," (you should pardon the expression) but only a president with three sets of dishes in the White House can swear to excise anything that oinks from spending bills that cross my desk. Similarly, launching an insurgency candidacy at this stage has saved my campaign at least $120 million. This is exactly the kind of fiscal discipline I will bring to the Oval Office.


Tax policy: I will cut taxes for every income level, and give tax credits for proven charitable donations and Botox treatments in women over 40. Billionaires like Warren Buffet who feel taxes are not high enough will receive pre-printed envelopes with the address of the Internal Revenue Service so they can make voluntary contributions. Be my guest, Warren.


Foreign policy: Don't be fooled by my total lack of government experience. Maybe if Condi Rice or Madeline Albright had raised three boys and one girl very close in age who spent the first dozen years of their lives trying to reenact ancient biblical fraternal feuds, maybe they would have learned a thing or two about political diplomacy. Believe me, if I managed to keep bloodshed from spilling around here, I can do it anywhere.


Israel: Read my lips: Anyone who aims a threatening weapon at Israel is toast.


Health care: Too many Americans lack coverage, I realize, so I will introduce legislation that will require three-quarter-inch sleeves on all new women's and girls' blouses beginning in 2009. This will reduce the incidence of colds and flu, thus reducing needless trips to the doctor. My economic advisors estimate that adding to clothing coverage will reduce overall health care costs by up to $23 billion by 2112. Also, if everyone would just listen to me and eat more green vegetables, we'd all get sick less.


Global Warming: I'm always cold, so I for one would welcome this trend.


Education: My plan will require special retraining of U.S. schoolchildren to only use the word "like" when they mean to convey that a) something is similar to something else or b) that they admire or approve of something. Schools that don't help in eradicating this verbal tic among the nation's youth will lose federal funding.


Marriage: I fully support a federal marriage amendment that states that marriage is an institution of one man, one woman, one minivan, children (if possible) and separate checking accounts. This is a safeguard to preserve the harmony of all marriages.


So there you have it, my Maven platform in a nutshell. I am prepared to face hecklers for some of my more controversial positions. But this doesn't scare me - I have teenagers. I am vetted and tested and can repeat the words "Yes we can!" over and over. So I'll see you on the campaign trail, energizing my base and glad handing (at least the women) in pancake houses around the country. Which reminds me: What am I going to eat on the campaign trail?

In lieu of supporting her presidential campaign, Judy Gruen welcomes your support of her latest book, "The Women's Daily Irony Supplement". To purchase it at a discount, please click here. You can read more of her work on www.judygruen.com.

Comment by clicking here.




© 2008, Judy Gruen