In this issue

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review August 25, 2008 / 24 Menachem-Av 5768

Sincere Apologies

By Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir

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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Q: A friend is bearing a silly grudge from a supposed wrong. What recourse do I have?

A: It's too bad your friend is bearing a grudge. The Torah warns us (Leviticus 19:18), "Don't take vengeance and don't bear a grudge against the children of your nation; love your neighbor as yourself, I am the Lord." What is the difference between vindictiveness and bearing a grudge? Rashi explains as follows:

One [neighbor] asks, lend me your saw; and the other replies, no. The next day the second asks, Lend me your shovel. If he replies, I won't lend to you just as you didn't lend to me, that is taking revenge. And what is bearing a grudge? One says, Lend me your shovel, and he says no. The next day the second asks, Lend me your saw. He says, here it is, I'm not like you who didn't lend to me. That's bearing a grudge, for he keeps the enmity in his heart even though he doesn't take vengeance.

However, one thing we notice from Rashi's explanation is that the examples refer to cases where one person failed to do a favor to another — not a case where someone was actually wronged. Expecting or demanding an apology for a perceived wrong is fair and is even a fulfillment of the previous verse in the Torah: "Don't hate your brother in your heart; surely reprove your fellow, and don't bear sin towards him." By clearly stating his expectations from you, your friend is giving you reproof, which is far better than the kind of seething resentment the verse warns against.

Even if you have made good the wrong, the wronged party still has the right to an apology as well. The Talmud states that for wrongs against our fellow man, even the holy and solemn Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur, cannot atone until the wronged party is appeased.(1)

You seem to feel that your friend's resentment is unjustified. If so, then you should clearly explain your position. The great Medieval sage Nachmanides explains that one reason we reprove someone when they think they wronged us is to give the party supposedly at fault the opportunity to defend himself, and you should avail yourself of this opportunity. Perhaps you think you yourself deserve an apology; then you can fulfill the commandment of gentle reproof.

Sometimes the relationships between people can be so charged that they can't really resolve their differences. In this case it may be useful to have someone mediate the disagreement. Tell your friend you don't really think you did anything wrong; perhaps you even feel he owes you an apology. But offer to discuss the case with some neutral person you both respect.

I would offer two additional insights. One, sometimes it is OK to apologize even if you are right. In the public sphere this can make you seem like you won't stand up for your beliefs, but with a friend this may be the wisest course of action, unless the friend is a particularly manipulative individual. "The rabbis taught: Those who are insulted yet do not insult others, hear themselves reviled yet don't respond, act through love and rejoice in tribulations — of these Scripture states, "And those who love Him are like the sun in its might". (2)

Another insight is that very often when a person expresses resentment over something inexplicable, their true resentment is over something else entirely. It is worth reflecting on whether your friend may be nursing an entirely different wrong, or perceived wrong, than the one he is mentioning. Considering this possibility may put you back on the right track to restoring good relations.

Above all, time is the great healer. Few people have the strength to carry around grudges for a long time.

SOURCES: (1) Babylonian Talmud, Yoma 85b (2) Babylonian Talmud, Shabbas 88b


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JWR contributor Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir, formerly of the Council of Economic Advisers in the Reagan administration, is Research Director of the Business Ethics Center of Jerusalem, Jerusalem College of Technology. To comment or pose a question, please click here.


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