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Unconditional Love: Analyzing the unique relationship between parents & their children; the Father and us By Yaakov Y. Shain and Avi Fishoff
Let's analyze this for a moment:
But what about all the pain, agony, and frustration a child can
sometimes cause his parents? Doesn't it sometimes seem that
some parents "hate" their child?
When we see frustration, tension, and anger between parents and
children, we are actually witnessing the manifestation of their
indestructible bond, because when parents overreact and "freak
out," that is the very proof that their internal love is still intact.
It would be much LESS painful and much EASIER for parents to
cope with a difficult child if their loving bond would lessen as
their relationship deteriorated. The proof is: Would they ever get
this worked up because of their neighbor's child, their nephew, or
anyone else in the world!?
Therefore, when a child sees how angry and frustrated his parents
are because of the way he acts, he should realize that this proves
how much they love him! For if they didn't love him so much —
they wouldn't be so infuriated!
Furthermore, if the child would become deathly ill or in need of a
kidney, these same parents — who seem so full of hate toward the
child — would surely do whatever is necessary to help save their
child! And what if the child would, Heaven forbid, die? Who would
bury the child — mourn the child — say Kaddish for the child . . . ?
Only parents grieve endlessly and even decades later still feel pain
and longing for their child!
Here's a powerful example of this concept:
Yet when Abshalom was killed, David cried out eight times, "My
son" and he could not be consoled! He even cried out, "If only I
could have died instead of you!"
The lesson to us is clear: A child always remains a child regardless of
what he does, and even when it seems that the child has destroyed
his relationship with his parents, the internal connection is still
completely intact.
We all know of many stories where parents and children made
up with each other even after many years of horrific fighting and
separation. Had someone else caused that much pain to the
parents — there would be NO coming back. But with a child,
emotions and tears pour forth with words of love as soon as the
walls of separation come down.
The reason that children, and particularly young adults, have so
much trouble understanding this concept is because of one sad
fact: It simply does NOT work both ways!
The natural inborn love that a child has for his parents is not
nearly as strong as the attachment the parents have for their child.
Therefore, until a person has his very own child, "unconditional
love" is just a theoretical concept but not a feeling he can actually
experience. He can hear the concept of a father risking his own
life to save his child — even if the child is mentally challenged and
physically ill — but he doesn't have anyone in his life for whom he
would actually do that.
It is for this reason that a child can begin to comprehend and
appreciate his parents' unconditional love for him only after he has
his own child toward whom he will feel unconditional eternal love.
The difference
Thus, every other relationship begins with externally getting along
and "liking each other" and then it slowly works its way into the
internal emotional zone of love.
Under normal circumstances, you can't develop a real emotional
bond with someone you just met two weeks ago. You can really
like them and enjoy being with them, but it takes time until that
connection develops into internal emotional feelings.
Yet "internally," in the emotional zone of love, a parent's heart is completely in love with their child right away, from the very first minute!
What did this baby do to earn this kind of emotional attachment?
Thus, the basis of "true love" is an internal emotional connection that is an indestructible, unconditional, internal, eternal bond. You are emotionally attached to that person and that is not based on how well you get along or how strong your exterior connection is. When love is dependent on something external, then when that thing is taken away, the feeling of love — that developed only because of that external thing — will evaporate. However, when the love you feel for someone is not based on anything external, then it can NEVER be destroyed. Therefore, the only way that true love can develop is if an internal emotional bond is created. This happens slowly over time by helping each other, giving to each other, supporting each other through hard times, etc. …. These things build a true internal connection between one person and another. After true love develops, even if the external factors fade away over time, the internal connection continues to grow stronger and stronger. However, the deep feelings of love and attachment that a parent has for a child are inserted by Hashem directly into the internal zone of love without going through the external process. Therefore, it is unconditional and indestructible. There is no internal joy like the "nachas" parents get from their child . . . even a little baby cooing . . . saying "mama" . . . crawling in the mud . . . eating melted chocolate with his hands . . . it's all "delicious" to his parents. (Just to "his" parents!) Conversely, there is no pain like the pain parents feel when their children give them agmas nefesh (grief); from little things that bother them way out of proportion, to big things that break their hearts in a way that no child can even begin to understand. Yet even if the outer connection between parent and child is so damaged that they may even seem to hate each other, still and all, the interior emotional connection and inborn instinctive feeling of unconditional love remains completely intact. As we have seen with King David, his son Absalom was ready to take his father's life — yet when Abshalom's life was taken, his father cried out in terrible pain. So too, regardless of what happens between parents and their child — nothing can break the eternal bond. The Holy Zohar teaches us that the physical world was created as an exact mirror image of the invisible mystical world above. Just as we explained that a child cannot comprehend the concept of "unconditional love" because it does not exist in any of his relationships, so too, parents would never be able to comprehend this unique concept of "unconditional love" if they did not have this feeling toward their children. We can now appreciate that the reason the Divine chose to create the concept of an instinctive unbreakable love from parent to child is specifically so that we could have some way to comprehend the concept of unconditional love! For if there was no earthly concept of "unconditional love," then we would have no way to wrap our minds around the idea that the Almighty can love US unconditionally! "You are CHILDREN to the Lord your G0d!" (Deut. 14:1) The Divine chose to call us His beloved CHILDREN, knowing full well the ramifications of this comparison — and He certainly meant it — in every sense of the word! Interestingly, as seen above, the instinctive feeling of love that parents have toward their children is far stronger than the love children feel toward their parents. Accordingly, we can be sure that the Divine's love for us far exceeds the love we can possibly feel toward the Almighty. Authentic Judaism believes that the love parents feel toward their children is instilled by the Divine as a natural instinct and it is not dependent on anything at all. Now you know exactly why Hashem chose this specific way to describe His unconditional love toward each and every one of us! Now you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that regardless of who you are and what situation you are in . . .
The Divine loves . . .
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