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Jewish World Review Dec. 19, 2008 / 22 Kislev 5769 Holiday potpourri: Step on the gas, pull up the ladders By Dave Weinbaum http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanza, are all upon us. I believe in giving gifts based on need or reward. So forget your holiday blues. When you focus on the needs of others, your own will be fulfilled. Here's my list for both naughty and nice. Unlike the SEC's Madoff "investigation" I've checked it thrice. To: That Iraqi reporter who pitched his size tens at our president; a new pair of Nikes, and a realization that if he had flung his sneakers at Saddam he and his family would have been tortured then murdered. They say in the Arab world that you can't put your best foot forward until you've hurled your shoes. Secretary of Defense Secretary, Bob Gates; a lifetime MENSA Membership. After billions in research and decades of strategic planning at the Pentagon, Bob has solved the Somali pirate dilemma. His conclusion? "Step on the gas, pull up the ladders." Joe Biden; a lump of clean coal and a special gift from his newest bestest friend and boss, a muzzle. Governor Rod Blagojevich; A legal defense fund to encourage him to fight against those mean Democrats trying to kick him out without due process and a proper $multi-million cash reward for keeping his yap shut. Bernard Madoff, who ripped off mostly wealthy hypocritical liberals to the tune of $50 billion, but also bankrupted many charities as well; a long vacation in his penthouse on 62nd street overlooking some of the now homeless suckers he ponzied into poverty. A father that stole a loaf of bread to feed his family; incarceration at the rat hole known as Riker Island. Caroline Kennedy; a senate seat as legacy to her name and fundraising gravitas. Who cares if she can legislate? She's a Democrat! What were Amy Carter and Chelsea Clinton busy? New York State Governor David Paterson and Mayor Michael Bloomberg; the Tax Rotor-Rooter Award for the mass colonoscopies they are about to give everyone that lives and visits their needy state. Barack Obama; a copy of Jesse Jackson's speech, "I am SOMEBODY" to read when he feels lost in the mix of all those Clintonistos he's appointed to HIS cabinet. Conservative talk show hosts of whose legions I have joined; a grandfather clause in the upcoming "Fairness Doctrine" and/or a one way ticket to Belize. Citizens of Illinois; a new wing of Cook County Jail, just for your convicted politicians. There gasses and hot air can be recovered in such mass that it'll heat half of Chicago… sans stink. Jews that helped elect Obama; four year synagogue memberships with a four year option. You're going to need whatever mercy G-d can give you and Israel under Obama's "nuclear shield." Nobel Prize Winner and man made global warming scam artist, ALGORE; an original copy of "Frankenstein" by Mary Shelley, written during the Little Ice Age in 1816 as it was too cold to frolic in Lake Geneva. I hear you're a slow reader, but it's okay. The pre-winter is already record breaking cold. So cuddle up with Tipper, put on some rock n' roll, and stoke up your carbon lite fire. See you in May, if the ice has melted. Santa; a new employee, who was quoted as saying, "Santa, have you lost weight? Mrs. Claus is sooooooo pretty. Is that a new Santa suit? I love the smell of your pipe." Rudolph's cousin, Larry the Brown Nose Reindeer. To all my readers and customers, friends and family; an old Irish blessing to you, straight from the O'Weinbaum Clan Archives: May I love you and May you love me. If you hate me, may G-d turn your heart. If G-d cannot turn your heart, may He turn your left ankle, so that I may forever recognize you by your limp. Happy Holidays! Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. JWR contributor Dave Weinbaum, originally from Chicago, is a businessman, writer and part-time stand-up comic. He resides in a Midwest red state. Comment by clicking here. Archives © 2005, Dave Weinbaum

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