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Jewish World Review Nov. 13, 2009 / 26 Mar-Cheshvan 5770 Part Two: Advising Obama how to regain his mojo: Or my future as a ‘psychiatric’ patient in northern Alaska By Dave Weinbaum
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
For Immediate Publication
As we left it last week—I was on my way to the White House with a horsy pajama clad leader of the free world, his toadies, Axelrod and Emanuel and three Secret Service Agents. For secrecy measures the President had opted to make a Cessna puddle-jumper the make-shift AF1 to pick me up.
After I applied a little "Godfather" shock therapy, I was about to give President Obama the advise he sorely needs to prevent his administration from descending to the bottom of the cesspool beneath history's worst president, Jimmy Carter!
As bright sunlight now pushes the mighty midget craft to DC, I continue my counseling of the PJ'd Prez.
Somewhere along the trip I had an epiphany. I decided the situation was hopeless. It was time to accept the facts as they were and deal with their hideous reality.
I no longer held any hope that Barack Hussein Obama is capable of change. The evidence of his hatred for the USA is overwhelming.
Add that to the hidden vote to release NY prisoners to work on projects for "community organizers in last week's elections. Can you say ACORN?
Obama, "We've gotta have a civilian national security force just as powerful just as strong just as well funded."
Coincidence?
Barack did not fall far from his Reverend Wright.
With the above in mind I council the President:
Weinbaum: "Mr. President, I know this may come as a shock, but most of America, including many former backers and several who are twittering, think you hate the USA. There was ample evidence during the campaign which you and your people cleverly disguised (Axelrod and Emanuel Jump up and hit chests then trade high fives, screaming, "YEAH BABY!") You can't hide your disdain for the USA anymore. Most people, even many former backers, wanted change, but not the elimination of their Constitutional Rights and Capitalism.
Obama: "Weinbaum, pretend time is over. People voted for me to change the country. That's exactly what I'm doing. If they don't like it now, that's tough. After all, I ONE!"
Weinbaum: "Alrighty then. So what do you want from me? You've already got enough sycophantic losers telling you how great you are"
Emanuel: "Yeah boss, you have us!" Axelrod nods in agreement.
Obama: "SILENCE! I still want to hear what he has to say. My popularity is dropping. I don't get it. I thought everyone hated Fox, Beck and Limbaugh! How can America like them and not me!?"
Pilot, shouldn't we have landed at Reagan National?"
Axelrod and Emanuel spit twice in unison.
Slowly, a buxom brunette raises her multi-crested locks and her askew "pilots" lingerie revealing all sorts of delicacies, from the pilot's seat beside her. Slowly, a grey silver head of the pilot next to her swivels toward the back of the plane.
"How'd that happen? I was right on course to DC and my intern, Sheila, dropped the map right under my seat! She's been searching for it! Know what I mean? (Everyone, especially the Secret Service snickers). We passed DC about an hour ago, but I'm on it now."
Obama: "Look Bill I did this as a favor to keep you away from Hillary. I can only send her out of the country 95% of the time. I expected you to at least pay attention to THIS job."
Clinton: "Sorry Mr. President, I'll get you back as soon as if find the ma—-oh that's where you hid it, you minx!" (Sheila bends over and pulls it away from
Bill's lap-with her teeth).
"Hey guys, could you classify this as top secret regarding Hillary?"
Weinbaum: "Wow, within about 3 hours both Hillary and Bill have sworn me to secrecy! How many people have that happened to?"
Everyone on the plane, including the minx, the Secret Service, and Barack Obama raised their hands.
Weinbaum: "Mr. President, I could go through all the policies that are going to lose the congress, make you a lame duck and a one-termer, but I think you're looking at this all wrong. You, Dear Leader, are too good for the American people.
Axelrod: "Mr. President, Why are you listening to this moron?"
Obama: "Let him speak!"
Weinbaum: "Mr. President, the people of the world need you. Unlike Americans, they love you. Some even worship you. If you continue as president, You'll get boxed in like your operatives did to Sarah Palin in Alaska." (Another chest bump and high five between Axelrod and Emanuel.) What did she do to avoid destruction?"
Obama: "You mean… ?"
Weinbaum: "Yep, resign, but with a twist. Get the Norwegians to put the fix in at the UN like they did when you "ONE" the Nobel Peace Prize. They'll get you elected to Secretary General of the UN. It'll be like taking salary from an investment banker. Then you'll be positioned to take charge of the planet, something we all know you were born for.
And think of the benefits for your loyal toadies! They can do to… I mean for the world what an unappreciative American Public didn't deserve, 'one ruler Barack Hussein Obama, for eternity!.'"
As the plane lands in DC, a smug contented look spreads in the cabin. Of course in Clinton's case it's from his intern minx's continued searches for dropped or droopy things "under" his seat. Even the horsy on Barack's PJ's looks regal."
Obama: "I'll give it some thought."
Weinbaum: "Do I get that tour of the White House now?"
Obama: "Some other time. You're on your own. I'll deny any knowledge of meeting with you, Weinbaum, is that clear?"
Weinbaum: "Yes Mr. President."
America, it was the best I could do!
As the Rabbi from FIDDLER ON THE ROOF in the tiny Russian shtetl of Anatevka.said at the start of that country's Communist Revolution, "MAY G-D BLESS AND KEEP THE CZAR… … .FAR AWAY FROM US!"
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JWR contributor Dave Weinbaum hosts DaveWeinbaum.com. He is a businessman, writer and part-time stand-up comic and resides in a Midwest red state. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Dave Weinbaum |
Mitch Albom | |||||||||||||
