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Jewish World Review
Nov 11, 2011
/ 14 Mar-Cheshvan, 5772
Rally Squirrel's case to succeed cards legend: Tony La Russa
Let me introduce my newest success. I am the STL Cardinal anointed Mid-Mo Rally Squirrel. If you don’t believe me look at his Holiness, the STL Cardinal himself, as he blesses me on opening day via my FB page (pictured above). For those in Normal, IL (Cubs fans), the Rally Squirrel came from nowhere to scamper on the field disrupting the powerful Philadelphia Phillies’ quest to squash the Redbirds.
The rest is history. This article is meant to be my application to replace the
irreplaceable Tony La Russa as manager of the World Champion St. Louis Cardinals.
Victories often occur when you see no way
to succeed but refuse to give up anyway
I did my best, along with wife Joni, to cheer the Cards from their dismal opening
day to their miracle finish. I sent minions to games I couldn’t attend to carry on
in my place, utilizing my experience as a 27 year season ticket holder to lead
them to victory in my stead.
Now the coup d’etat, box of hot/salted fries, the cherry on top of my mocha,
a melt-in-your-mouth Matt’s Steakhouse filet: The Cards returned home after
a disastrous 5th game at Texas where Tony had inexplicable communication
problems with his bullpen. The Cards put the wrong pitchers in the game,
After that debacle, Texas was on a roll with a 3-2 lead--Rally Squirrel be dammed!
Attending with wife Joni and a couple of friends, the 6th and possibly last
World Series Game started poorly—and got worse. Despite my desperate
attempts to cheer, cajole and box-seat-manage, it got worse. Matt Holliday had
mental letdowns and David Freese froze on an easy popup--both giving Texas
runs and mojo.
At the 7th inning stretch, I considered my options. Just like Tony, I assessed
what power I had to help the Cards. When La Russa was deliberating what
to do during this lackluster performance, so was I.
Sometimes you have to abandon
ship to save the passengers
As much as my wife and I were cheering, the snap to the Rally Squirrel Towel
wasn’t there. Our yelling had gone unheard and our voices became hoarsely
ineffective. I did what any good manager would have done. I decided to fix what
I saw as the problem—us. I tapped my wife’s shoulder and held my hand out for
her towel. She knew. Head down she relinquished the rag. After a gentle slap
on her butt, I handed our shmatas to our friends and told them they had the
Cardinal Nation’s dreams in their hands.
I grabbed my wife’s hand and took her out of the stadium. Yes, there was a
little dragging involved. There was a two hour drive home and I had a radio
show to do in the morning. We listened to the game all the way back home.
Miracle of miracles! My managerial magic was working. Someone from the
Cards, maybe Tony, must have realized we had pulled ourselves out of the game.
Tony must have communicated that the impediment of our performance as
fans could no longer be used as an excuse for the Redbirds’ sloppy play.
My wife and I were incredulous as we listened to the evolving drama of Game
Six. Suddenly the Fred birders began to soar! David Freese and Lance
Berkman took the responsibility off our sagging backs and placed it squarely
on their shoulders. They tied the game twice, down by two runs and the last
strike each time in the 9th and 11th innings.
When Freese crushed his majestic 420’ shot to Wilt Chamberlain (dead center),
it didn’t register right away. We were stunned at our amazing performance.
Joni and I looked at each other and screamed, “WE DID IT!! WE DID IT!!”
After my radio show, we went back up for the 7th and deciding contest.
We were on that night. Our cheering was acknowledged, our advice heeded
and our rally-squirrel-towels snapped in the cool night’s fall air.
THE ST. LOUIS CARDINALS WERE
ONCE AGAIN WORLD CHAMPIONS!
Since then, probably in gratitude of my masterly moves, Tony announced his
This Rally Squirrel has his phone ready and my agent lined up to talk nuts and
tree condos to Card ownership.
To paraphrase Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, “You want me on that
bench --you need me on that bench!”
My wife Joni has even volunteered to be the towel girl for the locker room!
That’s my story — and I’m sticking to it!
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JWR contributor Dave Weinbaum hosts DaveWeinbaum.com. He is a businessman, writer and part-time stand-up comic and resides in a Midwest red state. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Dave Weinbaum
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