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Jewish World Review Nov. 7, 2005 / 5 Mar-Cheshvan, 5766 The new hippy dippy FBI By Dave Weinbaum
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Due to a shortage of applicants, the FBI, that paramount of law enforcement, white collared, suited and tied, black spit-shined Windsors, straight laced; no nonsense organization, is seriously considering hiring former (?) potheads as agents.
One couldn't find a better comedic bit since Clinton earned his legacy by getting a Jewish girl to eat pork.
I can see a couple of (ex) pothead FBI agents sent to interview Rummy at the Pentagon. Reporting back to their superior, agent Anita Munchie; "Like WOW!!! We went around and around and around that building! Never could find Rummies office, but MAN WHAT A TRIP!!! We were hyperventilating at the pictures and the psychedelic lights. It was like all connecting to the universe!" "Yeah man, and the situation rooms and all the peeps in uniform! It was like so military and all." This from agent Stony Hitt.
Instead of head of investigations, the most coveted position in the Bureau will now be chief of evidence storage. Taking a further step, the Bureau is planning to move its evidence storage facility to Denver. Agents can legally resell the contraband back to the public, bolstering its agent's pension plan. Denver is not only the mile high city, but now with legalized pot it's become the millions high municipality.
But hey, why stop there? As a patriotic American, I feel it's my duty to suggest these people for the NEW FBI.
2. Joan Rivers, not only knows what they're wearing but what's underneath. She's also an expert on disguise and "altered" appearances.
3. Al Franken—Let the "liar" indictments fly!
4. Bill Clinton—Head of sexual harassment investigations for the Federal Government, specializing in female interns. Talk about turning over a new page!
5. Hillary—Inspector over all right wing conspiracies and overseeing Bill. Somehow the two jobs seem connected.
6. ALGORE—Lockbox security, internet consultant.
7. Valerie Plame—She can go BACK undercover now. Nobody will expect lightening or her idiot husband to strike twice.
8. Louie Farrakhan— Chief levee investigative officer. He'll specialize in personally guarding flood walls in scuba gear during hurricanes.
9. Marc Rich—International pardon monitor. He'll keep track of potential and current overseas pardoned felons and arrange their kickbacks to the Bureau. I mean, why should the Clintons get it all?
10. Jose Canseco—Already proved effective in narking fellow steroid users in baseball. Hey, think of the contraband HE could get!
11. Dick Cheney—Plumber.
12. Harriet Miers—Supreme Court nominee qualifier.
13. Chuckie Schumer—Political investigations into the credit of black conservative candidates.
14. Howard Dean—Insanity pleadings.
15. Elvis—Headquarters security. The King will monitor who has left the building!
16. John Kerry—You can always count on him to "report for duty", even if he is unfit for command.
17. David Duke—Klan double agent. First investigation will be brother (ex?) Klan leader Senator Robert Byrd.
18. George Carlin—Head of Advertising and PR. Who better to represent the NEW Hippy Dippy FBI?
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© 2005, Dave Weinbaum |
Mitch Albom | |||||||||||
