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Jewish World Review Feb. 15, 2011 / 11 Adar I, 5771 In a more perfect world By Dave Weinbaum
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
As I attended CPAC last weekend and then fulfilled my wife's Valentine wishes, upon return from DC, I pondered what would make life more perfect. For one thing, my computer wouldn't have coughed up the dreaded blue page purge, diagnosed as an easy--yet two-day fix.
Here are some other things that I wish for, so that someday I may reach nirvana :
1. Jews would stop apologizing for their existence and start fighting back against their enemies.
2. Congressmen would have to pass a test on the issues of a bill before being allowed to vote on it. This would put the onus on American voters to elect people that have the literacy of a third-grader.
3. All bills would be limited to 20 pages, unless a tax-refund is involved.
4. Reid, Pelosi and Obama would open a falafel franchise after the next election and declare bankruptcy when President Palin refuses to bail them out.
5. ALGORE would be attacked by polar bears on his new estate in Southern California. Al can't escape because he forgot to charge his electric GM snowmobile.
6. Arab/Muslim countries would look to Israel and the USA to help them achieve working democracies, after reinterpreting the Koran to make peace with Christianity and Judaism. They would combine dietary laws and become the best customers of Jewish delis throughout the world. Jews would still remain the best customers of Chinese food.
7. Beautiful women would stop hitting on me. I am married. Where the hell were you when I was single, anyway?
8. All cultures would value life above death, except for Nazi cannibals.
9. Libs would stop their attack on the First Amendment by stopping their quest to kill conservative radio. They would continue to listen only to each other, thus creating an incurable form of dementia, called Libiotus.
10. Drill Baby Drill would become the mantra of President Palin. By the end of her second term, we would be a net exporter of fuel and our deficit would disappear. (I mean DBD or WTF? Gimme a break)!
11. Permits to mine clean coal would become less difficult to come by than Joe Biden's logic.
12. All pundits from the left coast would be required to attend a tea party to the west of the original colonies and to the east of California. They would be required to open their eyes and ears, thus proving they can multitask.
13. Women would stop aborting babies for reasons of convenience, or would be reverted back to when their mothers had the same decision.
14. All Congressmen would spend a week camping on the US side of the Mexican border. They can put that in their enchiladas and smoke it.
15. We wouldn't get western democracies mixed up with Islamic Socialism, unless we were willing to live by Sharia Law.
16. Sam Bradford would lead the 2014 Rams to the Superbowl Championship after losing a heart-breaker to the Chicago Bears coached by Lovie Smith in the 2013 top game.
17. We'd take Obmacare and shovel-ready jobs and lock them in a room.
18. We'd stop trying to make men equal by taking away their freedom.
19. We'd learn Chinese as an option, not a requirement.
20. Professors would be fired immediately upon proof they flunked conservative students because they went to a conservative meeting.
21. We'd see America as exceptional, and not just for our tolerance of progressives.
22. I would become a scratch golfer and not because I lost my ball in the poison ivy—again.
23. We'd take those who have declared war upon us seriously, until they were killed or they surrendered.
24. The Boston Celtics led by a rejuvenated Shaq O'Neal, Rondo, Pierce, Grant and Allen would beat the Lakers in seven, forcing the retirement of Jack Nicholson's front-side seat and leer.
25. Albert Pujols would finish his 25-year career with the Cards winning six more World Championships. After he is done, the Cubs would still be working on their millennium of championship-less seasons. (Sorry Cub fans. Let me know when you put together a major league team — then we can talk).
26. America's government would revert back to of the people, by the people and for the people.
I implore you to put your ideas for a more perfect world in writing. I bet there would be more commonality than most of us thought.
As Steven Wright said, "It's small world — but I'd hate to have to paint it! "
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JWR contributor Dave Weinbaum hosts DaveWeinbaum.com. He is a businessman, writer and part-time stand-up comic and resides in a Midwest red state. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Dave Weinbaum |
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