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February 13, 2012
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Reza Kahlili : Ex-CIA spy in Iran's Revolutionary Guard: What Obama doesn't grasp about striking deals with Tehran
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January 30, 2012
Paul Richter and Ramin Mostaghim: Misreading Teheran's limits -- deadly and economically devastating as they may be -- is a risk administration, Europe seem willing to take
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Katy Hopkins: New budget rules may affect how much money you get for college
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Jeannine Stein: Mental illness struck one in five U.S. adults in 2010: Report
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Richard Simon: House passes two bills endorsing the use of religious symbols at military memorials
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Tom Hussain: Pakistan -- recipient of more than $21 billion in civilian and military aid -- speeds pursuit of Iranian pipeline, defying US
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Michael Doyle: Put through legal hell over dream home, couple fought back hard --- all the way to Supreme Court
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Jewish World Review
Nov. 27, 2006
/ 6 Kislev, 5767
How do you spell S-A-T?
By
Dave Barry
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
OK, high school students: I want you to stop piercing your noses for a moment and listen to me, because I'm going to talk to you about a topic that is more important to your future than anything else except flossing your SATs.
It is very unfortunate that these tests cause some of you to experience great stress or, as you say in your own teenage lingo, "make a cow." You believe that if you get a low SAT score, you're a dope and you'll have to attend some third-rate college where the classrooms have wheels and the athletic teams have a nickname like "The Fighting Tarpaulins," and you'll wind up in some boring, dead-end-loser job such as ragpicker or leech monger or Whitewater investigator. This is incorrect, young people!
A low SAT score does not automatically mean failure! Remember that Charles Lindbergh got only 240 on his verbal, and he went on to invent the phonograph. And if that's not inspirational enough, let me tell you a little story about a young man who took his first SAT and did very poorly. His parents were disappointed; his friends laughed at him; his dog went to the bathroom on his feet. But that young man did not give up. He signed up to take the SAT again, and he prepared by getting up every day at 3:30 a.m. to study, and when the time came to take the second SAT, he walked into that testing room and set an American record which will probably never be broken for falling asleep. Today he makes his living wearing ill-fitting pants and serving contaminated hamburger to the public.
The point, young people, is that there is a right way and a wrong way to prepare for your SATs, and unless you are even stupider than you look, you want to do it the right way. To help you, I would like to present the following list of "Common Questions and Answers About the SAT," which was prepared by the American Association of High School Educational Professionals Hiding Out in the Lounge.
Q. What is the SAT?
A. The term "SAT" is a set of initials, or "antonym," standing for "Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization." This is a series of tests that predict your ability to perform in the college environment by measuring the degree to which you possess knowledge that nobody would ever in a million years actually need.
Q. What is the origin of the SAT?
A. The SAT was developed by the prestigious Educational Testing Service, which is located in Princeton, N.J., home of Harvard University. The original idea behind the SATs, as stated in the ETS's Official Historical Statement of Goals and Purposes, was "to sell a huge quantity of No. 2 pencils that we ordered by mistake." So the ETS invented a standardized test wherein high-school students were required to fill in circles on an answer sheet. The first SATs had no questions: Your score was based entirely on how many circles you filled in, and you could get extra credit by writing on your desk. When colleges complained that too many students were getting high scores, the ETS introduced questions, mostly on topics of interest to ETS personnel, such as "Where can you get decent Chinese food in the Princeton, N.J., area?" Today, the questions are developed by a prestigious team of world-renowned academic experts, who get them from "Jeopardy."
Q. Does the SAT ever contain errors?
A. Yes. Just last year, for example, an alert Michigan youngster named Jeremy Winklehopper received national attention when he noticed that, contrary to what he had learned in physics class, the SAT defined "gravity" as "a type of snake."
Q. What happened when this was brought to the attention of the Educational Testing Service?
A. Everybody enjoyed a hearty laugh, and then Jeremy's score was changed to minus 46,000 points, thus assuring that no college would ever accept him. He is currently employed in the field of urinal maintenance.
Q. Was the SAT definition of "gravity" changed?
A. Yes. It is now defined as "a heavy type of snake."
Q. What should I do if I don't know the answer to a multiple-choice SAT question?
A. Experts suggest that you start by "weeding out" the answers that are obviously false. Some of the telltale signs to look for are:
- The answer contains swear words.
- The answer is followed by a little sarcastic note in parentheses such as, "Oh, sure, that makes sense."
- The answer contains the phrase, "according to a White House spokesperson."
Q. I have heard that I can increase my SAT score by attaching a $20 bill to the answer sheet. Is this true?
A. "Absolutely not," stated an Educational Testing Service spokesperson who identified himself as Bob. "You're going to have to do way better than that, with the price of decent Chinese food being what it is in Princeton." Bob noted that the record for the highest SAT score ever is still held by Donald Trump, who, while only in sixth grade, got 117 billion points.
Q. Can you give me the answers to this year's SAT test?
A. Well, I suppose if you sent me a large sum of cash money, I could. But that would be wrong, and I would never do such a thing, according to a White House spokesperson.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Comment by clicking here.
Previously:
Sour grapes and mud
Pro golf: A game of non-stop boredom
Guard-dog vigilance is nothing to sniff at
Warm and fuzzy Cold War memories
The funny side of Beowulf
HOLY HEAT WAVE, BATMAN!
Abs-olute madness
Beware of brainy bugs
I'm in a sorry state
The frog plague: The inside story
If she had a hammer….
Keeping an eye on crime
Camping and Lewis and Clark
When in Iowa, don't forget to duck
Junior takes the wheel
Growing old with Dave
Sites for sore eyes
Beware of sheep droppings
Ireland, land of bad Elvis
Mr. Peabrain's misadventures
When they're out to get you, keep cool
Mothers of invention
Kill 'em with kindness
© 2006, The Miami Herald Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.
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