Home
In this issue
April 21, 2014

Andrew Silow-Carroll: Passoverkill? Suggestions to make next year's seders even more culturally sensitive

Sara Israelsen Hartley: Seeking the Divine: An ancient connection in a new context

Christine M. Flowers: Priest's execution in Syria should be call to action

Courtnie Erickson: How to help kids accept the poor decisions of others

Lizette Borreli: A Glass Of Milk A Day Keeps Knee Arthritis At Bay

Lizette Borreli: 5 Health Conditions Your Breath Knows Before You Do

The Kosher Gourmet by Betty Rosbottom Coconut Walnut Bars' golden brown morsels are a beautifully balanced delectable delight

April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review March 3, 2009 / 7 Adar 5769

Back to a future fit for a serf

By Wesley Pruden


Printer Friendly Version
Email this article

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Miss Crow only wanted to do something in a modest way to save trees, proposing that everyone get only "four squares" of toilet paper per visit to "the ladies" (and presumably "the gents" as well). But now the greenies, determined to inflict on us lives that only serfs could endure, have something else afoot. The National Resources Defence Council, one of those laptop-and-a-fax machine think tanks that keep Senior Fellows, Assistant Deputy Scholars and Adjunct Professors more or less employed and off welfare, has studied the prospective causes of the end of civilization as we know it and found a villain more dreadful than "gas-guzzling cars, fast food or McMansions."

The council's learned scholars found that the fundamental cause of mischief and grief afflicting mankind is the delicate American buttock. The American insistence on extra-soft, quilted and multi-ply toilet paper is denuding virgin forests and making wimps, wussies and weaklings of all of us. Sheryl Crow warned us, stopping just short of singing an original ballad about the perils in the possibilities of "going to the bathroom."

"This is a product that we use for less than three seconds and the ecological consequences of manufacturing it from trees is enormous," says Allen Hershkowitz, a "senior scientist" at the London think tank, of the lowly roll of toilet paper. "Future generations are going to look at the way we make toilet paper as one of the greatest excesses of our age. Making toilet paper from virgin wood is a lot worse than driving Hummers in terms of global warming pollution."

If that were not grim and grimy enough, Greenpeace, the leading not-so-merry band of enviro-nutcakes, is about to open a conscienceness-raising campaign to tutor everybody in "toilet habits" to counter the aggressive push by toilet-paper manufacturers to market "luxury brands" of (we mustn't call it toilet paper) "bathroom tissue."

Kimberly-Clark, one of the leaders of the paper-product industry, says three-ply tissues infused with hand lotion is one of the fastest growing market shares. One television commercial depicts a young woman caressing a roll of toilet paper said to be infused with soothing lotion. Comfort and true love besides, who could object to that? The manufacturers have enlisted celebrities, who have no issues with tissues, to talk about how "quilting," and putting pockets of air between the layers (or "plies") of paper have enriched their lives. "For bath tissue [i.e., toilet paper] Americans in particular like the softness and strength that virgin fiber provides," says a Kimberly-Clark spokesman. "It's the quality and softness that consumers in America have come to expect." Toilet paper made from recycled rags, cardboard and firewood is available, every bit as good as No. 3 grit sandpaper, but nobody will buy it.

The longer fibers in "virgin wood" are easier to manipulate in the manufacturing process, and this in turn lends the fibers to fluffing for a softer paper. That's what makes facial tissue soft. Every man has a responsibility to protect virgins, of course, but "virgin wood" comes from sustainable forests, mostly in Canada, planted and grown as a row crop, like cotton, wheat, rice and beans. This virgin wood, mostly pine, grows faster than lumberjacks can cut it down. More than a third of the continent is forested, and despite the enormous population growth over the past century we have more trees now than we did when Columbus got here.

Some of our environmentalists seem more concerned with scatology than sociology, but so are the accountants in the executive suites, eager for "ancillary revenues" and intent on squeezing consumers from the wrong end. Ryanair, an Irish no-frills carrier, is considering installing a coin slot on its toilets. Relief will not be cheap. There will be no "spending a penny," in the Anglo-Irish euphemism for "visiting the loo." Such a visit will cost a passenger a pound sterling, or about $1.40 in American money. These "ancillary revenues," says a Ryanair spokesman, "help to reduce the cost of flying and passengers using train and bus stations are already accustomed to paying to use the toilet, so why not on airplanes?"

If the airlines can squeeze "ancillary revenues" from the most pressing human needs, can governments be far behind? If it moves, the revenue man can find a way to tax it. We haven't reached bottom yet.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

JWR contributor Wesley Pruden is editor in chief of The Washington Times. Comment by clicking here.

Wesley Pruden Archives

© 2007 Wesley Pruden

Columnists

Toons

Lifestyles