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February 22, 2012
Warren Richey: How Supreme Court ruling on Texas could reduce affirmative action across US
Philip Moeller: Hard time determining your current and future savings needs --- and even harder still, executing a plan? Here's what to do about it!
Menachem Wecker: In Tough Job Market, Law Grads Use J.D.s for Nonlegal Work
February 21, 2012
Michael Doyle: Supreme Court to hear arguments on whether a lie is protected speech
Neela Banerjee: NSC wants rules on research that could lead to biological weapons
Fred Weir: Fearing West, Putin pledges biggest military buildup since cold war
February 17, 2012
Kristen Chick: After surviving sectarian mob, Egyptian Christians expelled from village
Eryn Brown: Microchip is a new means of medicating
February 16, 2012
SeaWorld of Pain : Watch Wyatt Cenac, a black comic, confront "whale freedom rider" Lisa Lange of PETA and make her squirm ( LENGTH: 5 minutes)
Jason Koebler: Antibiotics Do Nothing to Cure Sinus Infections, Study Says
February 15, 2012
Jeffrey Fleishman: Women were at the vanguard in the protests that ousted Hosni Mubarak. Meet some who refuse to wake up from their dream --- the mullahs and military be damned
Richard Simon: 'The check is in the mail' could soon be a legal excuse
Liz Bowie: Debate on whether cursive writing should still be taught
Jason Koebler: Super Plants: Could Re-Wired Plants Be the New Cancer Killers?
Susan Johnston: Strategies to preempt unwanted calls or other communication from collectors
February 14, 2012
Dennis Prager: Chris Christie on Israel --- and What It Means to Be a Leader
Frank J. Gaffney Jr.: Shariah's police? Interpol's honoring of Saudi warrant could lead to arrest of Americans
The Kosher Gourmet by Matt Armendariz: VEGETABLE CRUMBLE is a simple, satisfying dish of tender eggplant, zucchini, tomatoes and onions crowned with a savory buttery topping and a sprinkle of fresh herbs
February 13, 2012
Binyamin Rose: Back to the Bunker: How a life-risking act by a Christian family during the Holocaust saved a family and built a thriving community a world away
Menachem Wecker: Business Schools Teach Real Estate Despite Troubled Housing Market
February 10, 2012
Lisa M. Krieger: Man with defibrillator demands access to his own heart's information
David G. Savage: Why activists may not be in a hurry to have High Court rule on alternative marriage
February 9, 2012
Laura McMullen: 10 Least Expensive Public Schools for Out-of-State Students
Kimberly Palmer: How to actually enjoy -- relaxing, financially -- your vacation
February 8, 2012
Warren Richey: Why momentous Prop. 8 ruling might not satisfy gay-rights groups
Menachem Wecker: Though Controversial, LL.M.'s Can Lead to Specialized Legal Jobs
The Kosher Gourmet byDana Velden: Going to the bother of making soup? You know it better be good. This CREAM OF TOMATO SOUP certainly is! And it's a cinch to make, too (Includes techinques and serving secrets)
February 7, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Caught off-guard? President's Super Bowl interview with Matt Lauer gives those who need a reason not to vote for him, a darn good one
Suzanne Bohan: Leaping lizards! Tiny reptiles advancing robot design
February 6, 2012
Jonathan Tobin: Iran Threatens Israel With Destruction, But the New York Times Doesn't Hear It
Jeffrey Fleishman: In newly democratic Egypt, tens of democracy activists jailed, to stand trial; their groups are 'threatening the stability of the homeland'
Julie Deardorff : Researchers say antioxidants may not be that effective and could do more harm than good
Mark Clayton: How did Anonymous hackers eavesdrop on FBI and Scotland Yard?
February 3, 2012
Edmund Sanders : Israeli official says Iran is creating missile that could reach East Coast of US
Victoria Kim: Immigrant-smuggling ring used black drivers to avoid racial profiling
February 2, 2012
Jim Carney: Wrong number call may have saved her life
Reza Kahlili : Ex-CIA spy in Iran's Revolutionary Guard: What Obama doesn't grasp about striking deals with Tehran
Tina Susman: For woodchuck rescuer, every day is Groundhog Day
February 1, 2012
Brian Bennett: US officials see increasing threat of domestic attack from Iran
Emily Brandon: How to Take Advantage of New 401(k) Fee Disclosures
January 31, 2012
January 30, 2012
Paul Richter and Ramin Mostaghim: Misreading Teheran's limits -- deadly and economically devastating as they may be -- is a risk administration, Europe seem willing to take
Suzanne Bohan: Warning: Nap-deprived tots missing more than sleep, study finds
Meg Handley: Banks Revamping Rewards Programs to Woo Customers
January 27, 2012
Caroline B. Glick: Obama: Of course I intend to prevent a nuclear holocaust . . . in a few months
Yochonon Donn: In liberal New York City, fervently-Orthodox Jews may soon be getting a district to call their own
Jeannine Stein: An inflated ego and thinking you're 'all that' doesn't just make others sick of you, it can make you ill
Katy Hopkins: New budget rules may affect how much money you get for college
January 26, 2012
Ed Koch: To the New York Times, calling for the murder of Jews by those capable of having their incitement taken seriously isn't news
Jeannine Stein: Mental illness struck one in five U.S. adults in 2010: Report
January 25, 2012
Richard Simon: House passes two bills endorsing the use of religious symbols at military memorials
Fred Weir: Putin: Multiethnic Russia cannot survive as a US-style 'melting pot'; must find its own way
Susan Johnston: 5 Sneaky Coupon Strategies Consumers Should Watch Out For
January 24, 2012
Carol Clark: The price of your soul: How your brain decides whether to 'sell out'
Caroline B. Glick: America lost most in 'Arab Spring'. Sadly, many voters still don't grasp the extent
Warren Richey: Drug criminal scores win in GPS ruling from conservative-leaning high court
Erika Bolstad: Black conservatives gather to talk about gaining strength
January 23, 2012
Melissa Dribben: Jewish voters to play a key role in Florida's Republican primary
Jordan Rau: In quest to grow, Catholic hospital system will announce this morning its break from church
Ali Safi: U.S. envoy gives Taliban terms for peace talks
January 19, 2012
January 18, 2012
January 17, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney Jr.: No-kidding red lines: U.S. response to an Iranian nuke may be bluster, but Israel's won't be
David G. Savage: They sued their principals after slandering them online --- now the cases are headed to the Supreme Court
David Francis: Where to Invest in 2012: With stocks expected to rebound, opportunity abounds for investors
January 13, 2012
Ben Lynfield: Israeli lawmakers move to annex Jewish Judea, one museum at a time
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: Thriving through touch: Gentle massage helps older people with low mobility improve in mind and body
January 12, 2012
Warren Richey: Landmark Supreme Court ruling a 'resounding win' for religious groups
Warren Richey: Supreme Court says no to new rule on eyewitness testimony
John Fauber : Statins found to raise diabetes risk in postmenopausal women
Katy Hopkins : Consider This Before You Pay for an Online Degree
The Kosher Gourmet by Joseph Erdos: This mushroom and barley soup has an intense -- almost nutty -- flavor that mixes robust with Middle East. It has creaminess without cream
January 11, 2012
Shari Roan: Millions of atrial fibrillation sufferers at risk for devastating, but preventable, stroke
Tom Hussain: Pakistan -- recipient of more than $21 billion in civilian and military aid -- speeds pursuit of Iranian pipeline, defying US
David G. Savage: High court signals it won't be loosening TV's 'indecency' rules
Stephen Ceasar: Oklahoma's Islamic law amendment can't go into effect, court rules
January 10, 2012
Reza Kahlili: From an ex-CIA spy: US must exploit new split in Iran's Revolutionary Guard
Karen Kaplan: Study: Nicotine replacement products ineffective when used in real-life situations
January 9, 2012
Michael Doyle: Put through legal hell over dream home, couple fought back hard --- all the way to Supreme Court
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Jewish World Review
Jan 27, 2012/ 3 Shevat, 5772
The State of the Union -- a free translation
By
Paul Greenberg
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
For those fortunate souls who didn't have to sit through the president's State of the Union speech Tuesday night out of a sense of duty, or maybe just masochism, here is a brief summary and free translation -- very free:
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, distinguished guests, fellow Americans and faithful subjects:
The State of the Union is much better thanks to my efforts over the past three years to improve your poor wretched lives -- efforts unparalleled since Abraham Lincoln, Lyndon Johnson, and maybe Martin Van Buren -- to restore our nation's economic health. Those efforts have been highly successful, no matter what you think. Or feel or see or know.
Thanks to our federal government's having invented the fracking process to extract natural gas from shale formations, much the way Al Gore invented the Internet, we are making dramatic progress in solving the Energy Crisis and generally repairing the damage done to the middle class by the previous administration. (Middle Class: a general term for everyone in the sound of my voice who can vote.) Rest assured: If anything's wrong with this country, it's George W. Bush's fault. But I must be honest: It wasn't all his fault. Some of it was Dick Cheney's.
But now, every day in every way, we're getting better and better thanks to my brilliant leadership. My fellow Americans, you can take my word for it. Who are you going to believe, me or those lying unemployment figures? You can feel the progress. Just look around you, but not too closely. I told you we would keep joblessness below 8 percent, and I only missed it by a percentage point or two. Why quibble? Besides, I killed Osama bin Laden.
I say we can restore an economy where everyone gets a fair shot, everyone does their fair share, and everyone plays by the same set of rules, except maybe Solyndra and a few other companies, banks and investment houses too big to fail, or that have political connections with my campaign, or that have had the foresight to become Government Sponsored Enterprises.
We are fast approaching that messianic time when the oceans begin to recede, the planet to heal, and payroll taxes are put off again. Deficits? What's a few more millions/billions/trillions between friends? Pay no attention to that national debt behind the curtain. Just remember that I killed Osama bin Laden.
My fellow Americans, if Congress will just get off its duff and spend more there'll be pie in the sky and enough for everybody who votes right. This I believe: American business and industry can compete with anyone in the world if those fat cats will just pay more taxes, stop exploiting the masses, and generally follow my orders. Look at Mitt Romney's tax return, if you can lift it, and notice all the tax breaks he gets just for investing in the American economy. I say to American business tonight: I'm from the federal government and I'm here to help you. I killed Osama bin Laden, didn't I?

My overseas contingency operations are completely unlike George W. Bush's war on terror despite a certain superficial resemblance in goals, methods, successes and everything else. Mainly because the name is different, and because these wars -- I mean military operations -- are mine.
Just as I vowed, we are going to close down the stockade at Guantanamo and refrain from trying war criminals in military courts. Just as soon as it's not too dangerous and impractical. Maybe by the next decade, or the next century, or whenever we're no longer threatened by terrorists. Eric Holder at Justice will tell us when it's safe.

As not only president of the United States but governor of each of these states, I will see to it that we outlaw drop-outs and keep those little suckers in school till they graduate and become the colleges' problem. Our universities don't have to teach near enough remedial courses as it is. And I killed Osama bin Laden.

My fellow Americans, we all know Washington is dysfunctional, and I want to assure you I have nothing to do with it. I don't even live in this town, I just drop by now and then.
I can't emphasize this too much: I have nothing to do with Washington's petty, partisan politics. Only those obstructionist Republicans in the House are responsible for all this gridlock. My roots are out in the country, on the campaign trial.

Now to sum up foreign affairs in 100 words or less: I want to assure all those brave, freedom-loving heroes who launched the Arab Spring that we shall never desert you in your hour of victory and until then will exercise the greatest discretion. We will also prevent those madmen in Iran from developing a nuclear weapon until the very moment they have one.
I think that about covers it. God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America. Did I mention that I killed Osama bin Laden?
At this point, members of Congress applaud for 5.7 minutes, and then file out singing, to the tune of Britannia Rules the Waves, 'So-lyn-dra, So-lyn-dra, So-lyn-dra rules the Sun!' Followed by the hymn "How Great We Art."
The End. Mercifully.
Paul Greenberg Archives
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JWR contributor Paul Greenberg, editorial page editor of the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, has won the Pulitzer Prize for editorial writing. Send your comments by clicking here.
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