Jewish World Review Jan 27, 2012/ 3 Shevat, 5772
The State of the Union -- a free translation
By Paul Greenberg
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | For those fortunate souls who didn't have to sit through the president's State of the Union speech Tuesday night out of a sense of duty, or maybe just masochism, here is a brief summary and free translation -- very free:
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of
The State of the Union is much better thanks to my efforts over the past three years to improve your poor wretched lives -- efforts unparalleled since
Thanks to our federal government's having invented the fracking process to extract natural gas from shale formations, much the way
But now, every day in every way, we're getting better and better thanks to my brilliant leadership. My fellow Americans, you can take my word for it. Who are you going to believe, me or those lying unemployment figures? You can feel the progress. Just look around you, but not too closely. I told you we would keep joblessness below 8 percent, and I only missed it by a percentage point or two. Why quibble? Besides, I killed
I say we can restore an economy where everyone gets a fair shot, everyone does their fair share, and everyone plays by the same set of rules, except maybe Solyndra and a few other companies, banks and investment houses too big to fail, or that have political connections with my campaign, or that have had the foresight to become
We are fast approaching that messianic time when the oceans begin to recede, the planet to heal, and payroll taxes are put off again. Deficits? What's a few more millions/billions/trillions between friends? Pay no attention to that national debt behind the curtain. Just remember that I killed
My fellow Americans, if
My overseas contingency operations are completely unlike
Just as I vowed, we are going to close down the stockade at Guantanamo and refrain from trying war criminals in military courts. Just as soon as it's not too dangerous and impractical. Maybe by the next decade, or the next century, or whenever we're no longer threatened by terrorists.
As not only president of
My fellow Americans, we all know
I can't emphasize this too much: I have nothing to do with
Now to sum up foreign affairs in 100 words or less: I want to assure all those brave, freedom-loving heroes who launched the Arab Spring that we shall never desert you in your hour of victory and until then will exercise the greatest discretion. We will also prevent those madmen in
I think that about covers it. God bless you, and may God bless
At this point, members of
The End. Mercifully.
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