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February 10, 2012
Lisa M. Krieger: Man with defibrillator demands access to his own heart's information
David G. Savage: Why activists may not be in a hurry to have High Court rule on alternative marriage
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Laura McMullen: 10 Least Expensive Public Schools for Out-of-State Students
Kimberly Palmer: How to actually enjoy -- relaxing, financially -- your vacation
February 8, 2012
Warren Richey: Why momentous Prop. 8 ruling might not satisfy gay-rights groups
Menachem Wecker: Though Controversial, LL.M.'s Can Lead to Specialized Legal Jobs
The Kosher Gourmet byDana Velden: Going to the bother of making soup? You know it better be good. This CREAM OF TOMATO SOUP certainly is! And it's a cinch to make, too (Includes techinques and serving secrets)
February 7, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Caught off-guard? President's Super Bowl interview with Matt Lauer gives those who need a reason not to vote for him, a darn good one
Suzanne Bohan: Leaping lizards! Tiny reptiles advancing robot design
February 6, 2012
Jonathan Tobin: Iran Threatens Israel With Destruction, But the New York Times Doesn't Hear It
Jeffrey Fleishman: In newly democratic Egypt, tens of democracy activists jailed, to stand trial; their groups are 'threatening the stability of the homeland'
Julie Deardorff : Researchers say antioxidants may not be that effective and could do more harm than good
Mark Clayton: How did Anonymous hackers eavesdrop on FBI and Scotland Yard?
February 3, 2012
Edmund Sanders : Israeli official says Iran is creating missile that could reach East Coast of US
Victoria Kim: Immigrant-smuggling ring used black drivers to avoid racial profiling
February 2, 2012
Jim Carney: Wrong number call may have saved her life
Reza Kahlili : Ex-CIA spy in Iran's Revolutionary Guard: What Obama doesn't grasp about striking deals with Tehran
Tina Susman: For woodchuck rescuer, every day is Groundhog Day
February 1, 2012
Brian Bennett: US officials see increasing threat of domestic attack from Iran
Emily Brandon: How to Take Advantage of New 401(k) Fee Disclosures
January 31, 2012
January 30, 2012
Paul Richter and Ramin Mostaghim: Misreading Teheran's limits -- deadly and economically devastating as they may be -- is a risk administration, Europe seem willing to take
Suzanne Bohan: Warning: Nap-deprived tots missing more than sleep, study finds
Meg Handley: Banks Revamping Rewards Programs to Woo Customers
January 27, 2012
Caroline B. Glick: Obama: Of course I intend to prevent a nuclear holocaust . . . in a few months
Yochonon Donn: In liberal New York City, fervently-Orthodox Jews may soon be getting a district to call their own
Jeannine Stein: An inflated ego and thinking you're 'all that' doesn't just make others sick of you, it can make you ill
Katy Hopkins: New budget rules may affect how much money you get for college
January 26, 2012
Ed Koch: To the New York Times, calling for the murder of Jews by those capable of having their incitement taken seriously isn't news
Jeannine Stein: Mental illness struck one in five U.S. adults in 2010: Report
January 25, 2012
Richard Simon: House passes two bills endorsing the use of religious symbols at military memorials
Fred Weir: Putin: Multiethnic Russia cannot survive as a US-style 'melting pot'; must find its own way
Susan Johnston: 5 Sneaky Coupon Strategies Consumers Should Watch Out For
January 24, 2012
Carol Clark: The price of your soul: How your brain decides whether to 'sell out'
Caroline B. Glick: America lost most in 'Arab Spring'. Sadly, many voters still don't grasp the extent
Warren Richey: Drug criminal scores win in GPS ruling from conservative-leaning high court
Erika Bolstad: Black conservatives gather to talk about gaining strength
January 23, 2012
Melissa Dribben: Jewish voters to play a key role in Florida's Republican primary
Jordan Rau: In quest to grow, Catholic hospital system will announce this morning its break from church
Ali Safi: U.S. envoy gives Taliban terms for peace talks
January 19, 2012
January 18, 2012
January 17, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney Jr.: No-kidding red lines: U.S. response to an Iranian nuke may be bluster, but Israel's won't be
David G. Savage: They sued their principals after slandering them online --- now the cases are headed to the Supreme Court
David Francis: Where to Invest in 2012: With stocks expected to rebound, opportunity abounds for investors
January 13, 2012
Ben Lynfield: Israeli lawmakers move to annex Jewish Judea, one museum at a time
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: Thriving through touch: Gentle massage helps older people with low mobility improve in mind and body
January 12, 2012
Warren Richey: Landmark Supreme Court ruling a 'resounding win' for religious groups
Warren Richey: Supreme Court says no to new rule on eyewitness testimony
John Fauber : Statins found to raise diabetes risk in postmenopausal women
Katy Hopkins : Consider This Before You Pay for an Online Degree
The Kosher Gourmet by Joseph Erdos: This mushroom and barley soup has an intense -- almost nutty -- flavor that mixes robust with Middle East. It has creaminess without cream
January 11, 2012
Shari Roan: Millions of atrial fibrillation sufferers at risk for devastating, but preventable, stroke
Tom Hussain: Pakistan -- recipient of more than $21 billion in civilian and military aid -- speeds pursuit of Iranian pipeline, defying US
David G. Savage: High court signals it won't be loosening TV's 'indecency' rules
Stephen Ceasar: Oklahoma's Islamic law amendment can't go into effect, court rules
January 10, 2012
Reza Kahlili: From an ex-CIA spy: US must exploit new split in Iran's Revolutionary Guard
Karen Kaplan: Study: Nicotine replacement products ineffective when used in real-life situations
January 9, 2012
Michael Doyle: Put through legal hell over dream home, couple fought back hard --- all the way to Supreme Court
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Jewish World Review
March 14, 2008
/ 7 Adar II 5768
The Yanks Are Coming
By
Greg Crosby
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
The next time I write this column something will be missing. Actually two things will be missing. After tomorrow I will no longer be whole. Tomorrow I'm having my upper and lower wisdom teeth removed on the right side. At 8:A.M. they are scheduled to be pulled out of my head by their roots. Yes, the yanks are coming, most definitely. And am I having a traumatic time over this thing? You bet your eye teeth I am.
There are a couple of reasons why this thing is troubling me so much, besides just the very idea of having one's teeth pulled out. One thing that bothers me is the fact that these teeth have been with me for most of my life. That's over 50 years or so - a long relationship by any measure. I've gotten quite attached to the little guys back there. We've chewed a lot of fat together. They've been with me through thick and thin, feast and famine, sweet and sour, hot and cold. And they've never let me down - chewing up everything I threw at them.
The other reason that I'm particularly bothered by this is the fact that these two teeth just happen to be in great shape! No cavities, no fillings, they're perfect. The problem is, the gum is receding away from the tooth, and because of that, food particles can get lodged and cause infection. It's like the old joke, "Your teeth are fine, but those gums have to be removed." So my man Manny the dentist says those teeth have got to go. Out, out, damn tooth. Or rather teeth.
It's funny what thoughts go through my mind at times like this. I wondered whether the removal of those two big back teeth on the right side would throw my whole face out of whack. There're pretty big teeth, after all, so maybe the lack of that weight on one side will set me off balance or something - like make my head list to the right. That would be pretty weird looking.
What if taking those teeth out will cause my jaw to sag or look like it's caved in on one side? Maybe I should have had all four wisdom teeth pulled so that both sides of my face will match. And what will this do to my speech? Will I sound like Walter Brennan when he played those moronic outlaws without his teeth? Or will I only sound like him on one side of my mouth?
I've had those two back teeth all my life and I know I'm going to miss them. My tongue will grope longingly for them, searching, searching in vain for its little friends, the wisdom teeth twins. But they will be gone, gone forever. And my poor, stupid tongue won't understand. Like in Bambi when his father, the stag, told him, "Your mother can't be with you anymore," my tongue will just have to live with the fact that those two teeth can't be with him anymore, either. Isn't this a sad story?
Manny won't be performing the honors; he referred me to a special dentist that will be doing this. A guy who specializes in tearing the teeth out of people's heads. He's a dentist who specializes in oral and maxillofacial surgery, to be precise. And the best part, I'm going to be out cold, knocked out completely. That's exactly the way I want it - I don't want to know from nothin' during this procedure. Sit down, go to sleep, wake up, go home. That's it.
The funny thing is I was supposed to have had this done a week ago. I went into the office right on time, filled out all the necessary and unnecessary paperwork, sat and waited a few minutes until I was ushered into the little room with the uncomfortable little chair. The dentist came in, introduced himself, asked me a gang of questions, then left. Soon the assistant came in and put the smock around my neck and said, "So, you haven't eaten in the last 6 hours, right?"
"Wrong," I said. "I had lunch." The assistant said, "Uh, oh," or something close to that, then excused herself from the room. Soon the dentist came back and told me that they couldn't perform the extraction that day because I wasn't supposed to eat for at least 6 hours. Nobody had told me that beforehand. So home I went.
Now I'm due to have the procedure first thing in the morning, and there shouldn't be any further delays with this thing. But you never know. If for any reason things don't go as planned, I will certainly let you all know about it. Yes, dear readers, you will be the first to know. Well, actually, my tongue will be the first to know, you will be second.
A final thought. If I have my wisdom teeth removed will I start thinking like a liberal Democrat?
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Greg Crosby, former creative head for Walt Disney publications, has written thousands of comics, hundreds of children's books, dozens of essays, and a letter to his congressman. A freelance writer in Southern California, you may contact him by clicking here.
Greg Crosby Archives
© 2006, Greg Crosby
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