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FOR STARTERS, let’s acknowledge that there is no earthly (or Divine) reason to give Chanukah presents. Nothing in the history of this event suggests that splashy gifts are the way to celebrate this momentous military victory of the Macabbees over their Syrian-Greek oppressors. In fact, Jews have only one obligation on Chanukah – and no, it’s not eating latkes or sufganiot. (Though in our family it is custom that is followed religiously!) The sole mitzvah of Chanukah is to light a menorah, preferably in a window where passersby can see it.
This small display of our gentle, flickering lights reminds us of the miraculous long-burning oil in the ancient Temple in Jerusalem. Many families have also embraced the tradition of letting each child in the family light his or her own chanukiah in the window, adding to the fun and the beauty. Making home-made menorah has become a favorite pre-holiday activity in many homes.
Any parent who’s done what I have already knows there are few, if any, perfect gifts, save one: The time we spend with our children. Our days are so busy, even evenings seldom offer respite – there’s homework to review, supplies to locate, lunches to pack, after-school arrangements to confirm.
I also plead guilty to sometimes falling into this kind of “why-can’t-I-have-it-all” thinking. But when we parents spend more time figuring out how not to be with our children than we spend with them, we’ve got a problem. Our priorities as parents must be that the children come first. This doesn’t mean that we slavishly give in to their every demand (a recipe for disaster for the kids and the loony bin for us), but that we consider what’s best for their physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological health.
Which brings us back to the subject of Chanukah presents. As much as kids love toys and games, they love and need us, their mothers and fathers, to be with them, hold them, read with them, build a fort with them, and play ball with them. Older kids need us to listen to them, to champion their efforts, and to continue offering our guidance and love. We need to be there when they tell us about their victories and frustrations in the classroom or on the playground.
The word Chanukah not only means “dedication,” but also “education” -- chinuch. This Chanukah, as we light our colorful candles or the little wicks floating in their cradles of oil, let’s rededicate ourselves to giving our children that irreplaceable gift that only we can give: A little more of
Jewish World Review Dec. 8, 1999 / 29 Kislev, 5760
The Best (Chanukah) Gifts in Life Are Free
By Judy R. Gruen
But all that being said, it’s hard to break a habit, and harder still to disappoint children who have come to expect Chanukah presents nearly as their birthright. As a mother of four, I’ve seen my share of dreydel-festooned wrapping paper shredded all around the floor while the kids went into palpitations of excitement over gifts that they wouldn’t be able to locate in two weeks and wouldn’t much care about, either. I’ve studied educational supply catalogs in search of that “perfect” gift, the one with fewer than 4,000 pieces, the one that would enrich the imagination while not impoverishing the wallet.
I once read an essay by a writer – a divorced mother – who despaired of the writing she could not do, the publishing panels she had to forego, in order to be with her children. She bemoaned the loss of these professional pursuits, and resigned herself to writing late at night, sometimes begging the sitter to stay late so she could go out after her kids were in bed, hoping against hope that the seminar hadn’t ended yet.
This year, along with the new computer game, or, God forbid, another set of Poke-mon cards, let’s also give our kids the very best present we can give them. It’s the present that doesn’t come in a box, bag or envelope. There are no pieces to lose, no batteries required. Because we all know that kids will eventually tire of even the most exciting of toys or games, but they’ll never, ever tire of a parent’s loving attention. And, while kids can grow up just fine without the gadgets and gizmos, they cannot survive or thrive without our loving attention.
JWR contributor Judy R. Gruen’s articles have appeared in the Los Angeles Times, Chicago Tribune, the Jewish Journal and many other publications. Contact the author by clicking here.
