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April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review

'As Seen on TV' feeds my inner-consumer needs

By Mark Patinkin



http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | "Hi, my name is Mark …"

…Hello Mark.

"… and it's been no days since I've been able to resist my addiction."

Tell us more.

"It's too strong. Every time I see it, I give in."

We understand. But remind us what your substance is?

"The 'As Seen on TV' aisle."

Oh, that's a tough one. How did it start with you?

"The way it starts with everyone. The Snuggie. That blanket with sleeves you wear backward like a hospital gown, and they look stupid but they're mad comfortable and I bet you don't know they come with free book lights, not that anyone reads books now that they've got Kindles, and, anyway, I've bought four and …"

Take it easy, Mark.

"I'm sorry. I know I get wound up."

If you have four Snuggies, why do you still go back to the "As Seen on TV" aisle?

"Because I want everything on those shelves."

But don't those products pander to the cheesiest side of indulgent American consumerism?

"Exactly. That's why I want every one of them."

Like what?

"Like Magic Mesh. I just bought one — you put 'em over open doors like screens, except they have 18 magnets in the middle you can walk through when you have plates in your hand, and they click closed behind you to keep out bugs, and the box says it goes up in seconds with no tools."

Seconds? Is that true?

"I don't know. I haven't put it up yet. I only bought it a month ago."

Oh. And you really want these things?

"You would too if you saw the commercials. Like I totally want a Chillow."

A what?

"You gotta see the commercial. It's like, 'Are you tired of those hot, sticky, sleepless nights?' Then they show some uncomfortable lady lying on a pillow with fake fire around her head, because you know — pillows trap body heat and perspiration. But see, a Chillow keeps you fresh and dry because of SoothSoft technology and water-cooled memory foam, and if you get a Chillow, even if your room feels like a desert, you'll feel like you're in a cool oasis."

The commercial seriously says that?

"Don't you love it?"

Well …

"I mean, I can't walk by that aisle and not buy Insta Bulb. I just can't."

What's that?

"Helloo. What cave you been living in? Only the coolest light bulb fixture ever, because you just peel the base and stick it on the ceiling — no outlets or wires, but it looks like a light fixture with a pull cord and ..."

Why do you want a bare light bulb up there?

"Because it's got advanced krypton technology."

Which is?



"I have no clue, but if they say it on TV, it's got to be awesome."

You've actually bought other things from that aisle?

"Hasn't everyone bought the Shake Weight?"

To be honest, that commercial was pretty awkward. Look, can't you just buy one of everything and conquer your addiction that way?

"That's the great part. They're always coming up with new ones. Like Zoomies. I totally want those. Binoculars you wear like glasses. Isn't that outrageous?"

Who would want to walk around wearing those?

"Who wouldn't? You'll enjoy Mother Nature up close. You'll have a front-row view of the action even from the cheap seats. You'll be amazed at what you've been missing."

Sounds like a bad commercial.

"Yeah — I memorized it. But that's why you have to love 'As Seen on TV' stuff. The commercials are so bad they're good. Like Side Socket. You know how plugs barely fit sockets behind dressers? Well, with Side Socket, you can turn that tangled disaster into a space-saving master."

How poetic. Well, Mark, we wish you the best, but you've taken up the whole meeting and we're out of time …

"I haven't even told you about Lint Lizard yet."

I'm afraid you need more than we can offer.

"Can we at least talk about the Wax-Vac. You know that guy who puts in a Q-tip and screams like he's being killed, and then …"

You're not going to buy one, are you?

"I've already bought two. But I think I need one more."

I'm not even sure a higher power can help.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

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Mark Patinkin is a columnist with The Providence Journal.



Previously:

Some phrases I hope to never hear again, and other thoughts

America's promise, then and now, outweighs its failings

Mud no obstacle to fun at 'Stampede' course

Warning -- reading this may cause insomnia, palpitations, swelling, etc.

All-too-prevalent scam attempts draw ire of readers

Fighting the 'something for nothing' mentality

My list of 'New Things That Now Bug Me'

No gender roles when it comes to being absurd

The single man's guide to being king of the castle

Sticking with what works in an ever-changing landscape

Advice to get you through the day

Heinz is altering the ketchup package, and I'm a nervous wreck

Guys need to watch out for sweet-talking ‘women’

I'm afraid to think what's in all those women's purses

I've changed my mind — women don't have it easier (Happy now?)

Here's why women have it easier in life over men

No handouts, thank you, for Michael Kosior

Buck up and take your advice like a man …

The dark side of Youth baseball

‘Nutritional avoidance therapy’ and other crimes against language

I'm still waiting for my ‘Imitation Spit’

It was in France where I learned girls control everything

Hint: Heloise never had an answer for stubborn teens

CliffsNotes for the Twitter generation …

Conversation with someone who just awoke after 30-year coma

When life's small matters appear as crisis

My own private articles of faith

My Dad's still quick with a quip

The trouble with lines … and whose fault it is

Men aren't ever lost, we're just figuring it out

Revenge of the telemarketee

None of Oprah's ‘favorite things’ are on my to-buy list

Even penicillin is powerless against cooties

What's wrong with 15 mice?

Let college application essay reveal the real you

Scientific research has thrown batters a curve

Cemetery visits don't make her sad

For today's youngsters, instant gratification takes too long

No texting during homework? Call the authorities

Class of 2014 doesn't know what it's missing

After all these years, I have an admission to make

Readers write the darndest things


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