Jewish World Review Dec. 27, 2010 / 20 Teves, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Brett Favre may end his career today against the Philadelphia Eagles. This year he's had a concussion, two fractured vertebrae, broken ankles and elbow tendonitis. Brett Favre can electrify any nightclub crowd with a castanet solo just by getting out of his chair.
The Justice Department warned Thursday that Al-Qaeda wants to poison restaurant salad bars. We can all see what's coming. Soon you won't be allowed to eat the only food that's legal to eat until you've been patted down by the assistant manager at The Sizzler.
Congress adjourned Thursday after an astounding lame-duck session. They passed tax cuts, let gays in the military, ratified a Russian arms treaty, and refused amnesty. Imagine how great America could be if Congress were only allowed to meet in December.
Intelligence Director James Clapper admitted to Diane Sawyer Monday he hadn't heard about the British raid on Al-Qaeda in London that morning. There's a reason. America's only competent spy was too busy denying Swedish rape charges to e-mail him.
Betty Ford's fired a staffer Tuesday for going on a tabloid show and gossiping about Lindsay Lohan. The Center is always concerned about patient privacy. If you don't have a publicist when you check into the Betty Ford Center they will provide you with one.
The U.S. Senate ratified the START treaty with Russia on Wednesday. The language was altered to meet security concerns. It still gives the United States and Russia enough missiles to blow China off the map if they don't stop with the collection calls.
President Obama signed a law Wednesday letting gays serve in the military. Ancient Greece had an entirely gay regiment from Thebes. They surrendered to Darius because when the Persian trumpeters and drummers broke into a swing number they needed both hands free.
North Korea attacked South Korean companies with a blizzard of e-mails Wednesday. They wanted to jam their land lines and run them out of paper. South Korea protested, just to spare North Korea's feelings, and pretended that people still use land lines and paper.
Al-Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula chieftain Abdulazziz Al-Muqrun called for the Saudi royal family's overthrow Tuesday. He's slippery. The terrorist loves to taunt the West claiming the Americans will never find him, perhaps because he's disguised himself as a job.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton