Jewish World Review Dec. 24, 2010 / 17 Teves, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The White House warned Wednesday that Al-Qaeda is planning to attack Americans by poisoning restaurant salad bars. How will they pull off this attack, model planes? No one ever thought nine years ago that America's last line of defense would be our sneeze guards.
The U.S. Senate ratified the START treaty with Russia only after the Republicans added language that it doesn't limit advances in U.S. missile defense. It's a point of American pride. We'll put our Germans up against anybody else's Germans in the world.
U.S. Border Patrol agents reported Thursday that migration was down across the U.S.-Mexican border but that drug traffic into Arizona is at record levels. This past week Mexico's gross national income broke even. Oil prices skyrocketed but the cocaine got wet.
The Census Bureau counted three hundred and seven million Americans Tuesday. Census workers, however, are mostly young people who are terrible at math. The homeless in Palm Springs have survived all winter by asking Lindsay Lohan for two tens for a five.
The Betty Ford Center fired an employee Wednesday after she told the tabloid press she was assaulted by Lindsay Lohan at the Palm Springs rehab clinic. The worker broke the number-one rule in rehab. She refused to serve an actress a drink after last call.
President Obama told reporters Wednesday that job creation is his top priority next year. A nationwide study said one in three women wished their husbands had jobs that were less stressful. The study said the other two wished their husbands just had a job.
Osama bin Laden was revealed by WikiLeaks Wednesday to have promised al-Qaeda in Kashmir unlimited funds against India. In his latest video he recently spoke out against global warming. In fact, he's ordered suicide bombers to drive Priuses into crowds and buildings.
The U.S. Senate voted six billion dollars for the first responders to the World Trade Center attack after Sen. Tom Coburn clamped a limit on legal fees. Good catch. We caught Osama bin Laden trying to short-sell the stock of the insurance company that covered the Twin Towers, so it was just a matter of time before the personal injury attorneys struck.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton