Jewish World Review Dec. 22, 2010 / 15 Teves, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Minnesota Vikings were forced to play outdoors at a college stadium on Monday night after the Metrodome collapsed. Conditions were brutal. The earth was so hard that after the game the NFL fined Al Gore sixty thousand dollars for unsportsmanlike planet.
The FBI announced Monday that robbery, burglary and murder fell ten percent last year for the third straight year. It's supply and demand. A life of crime can't compete with a six-figure salary and seventy percent pension working for the state of New Jersey.
Senate Republicans scuttled an amnesty bill for the children of illegal aliens Sunday. Border control is a highly partisan issue. Republicans want a two-thousand-mile-long wall and Democrats want to maintain our current method of border control, the honor system.
The U.S. Senate voted to allow gays to serve openly in the military Saturday. It won't be too difficult. Gay soldiers and straight soldiers will do the same time in basic training, but the gays have to stay an extra week to learn how to hate the French.
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson brokered a deal with Kim Jong Il in North Korea Monday. They each gave up something the other one desperately wanted. North Korea agreed not to attack South Korea and Governor Richardson agreed to pardon Billy the Kid.
North Korea's Kim Jong Il called off a nuclear war with South Korea Monday. He just never relents. In a recent poll of people hated most by Americans, Kim Jong Il finished fourth behind Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Hugo Chavez, Osama bin Laden and dentists.
King Cotton hit an all-time high of a dollar sixty a pound on the N.Y. exchange Monday, making Brett Favre's cotton crop in Mississippi worth a fortune this harvest. Still he played football in zero-degree weather Monday. Every one hundred and fifty years, the Northern states are given incontrovertible evidence that Southerners would rather fight than farm.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton