Jewish World Review Dec. 15, 2010 / 8 Teves, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Minnesota Vikings played a home game in Detroit Monday after the Metrodome roof ripped open under two feet of snow. The mercury also plunged. It's so cold in Minnesota that Brett Favre was forced to text a picture of himself in long johns to the team hostess.
Russian space officials put six people in a contained habitat to simulate what life would be like on Mars. We're two months ahead of them. Lindsay Lohan's spent the last seventy days in the Betty Ford Center discovering what life is like on Earth.
President Obama's health care reform bill was ruled unconstitutional Monday by a U.S. judge in Virginia. it probably is. To the layman's eye it violates the Equal Protection Clause for a black president to impose a ten percent tax on tanning booths.
President Obama gave the White House podium to Bill Clinton Friday to sell the tax cut deal. It was a great idea. If you absolutely have to sell something nobody wants, then why wouldn't you enlist the one man who could make it snow in the Metrodome?
Bill Clinton stood at the White House podium to sell President Obama's tax cut extension deal Friday. The last time Clinton was in the White House was when his presidential portrait was unveiled. It shows him hitting on Jackie Kennedy's portrait.
President Obama reached a deal with Republicans to extend tax cuts for jobless benefits. It'll pass. The Republicans in Congress say they're thrilled with the tax cuts and the Democrats leaving Congress say they're thrilled with the jobless benefits.
WikiLeaks' Julian Assange suggested himself for a Nobel Prize Monday. Right now he's in jail on a Swedish warrant for having casual sex without a condom. Julian Assange is so haplessly self-centered that David Hasselhoff just told him to cut it out.
The Food and Drug Administration moved Monday to restrict food additives, which they claim contribute to obesity. It's economic suicide. Everybody buying a larger-sized T-shirt at WalMart every two months is the only thing that's keeping the economy going.
New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices pass ninety dollars a barrel on Monday. Despite skyrocketing gasoline prices, most Californians are hanging onto their SUVs. Most of us believe that with today's economy we'll soon be living in them.
U.S. Marines deployed in Guatemala Monday to train Guatemalan soldiers to battle drug cartels from Colombia. Last month Colombian authorities confiscated a kilo of cocaine molded into a replica of the World Cup. They're unsure of the destination of the coke, but since it was in the form of the World Cup they ruled out the United States.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton