Jewish World Review Dec. 29, 2008 / 2 Teves 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Valkyrie opened Friday about a German war hero who tried to kill Hitler. Close calls were the week's theme. Hitler survived a suitcase bomb, Nixon survived an interview with Frost, and George W. Bush survived two attempts on his life by Florsheim.
St. John the Divine Cathedral in Brooklyn reopened on Christmas Day, eight years after the historic Episcopal Church landmark burned down. The sanctuary is two football fields long. No church gives the bride and groom longer to think things over.
J.C. Penney called and woke up shoppers in the middle of the night Friday to get them to come to their Day-After-Christmas Sale. It was a bad idea. When Hillary Clinton's telephone rang at three in the morning she ordered the invasion of Pakistan.
The Washington Post reports the CIA has begun giving Viagra to Afghan warlords in exchange for information about the Taliban. It's caused a major uproar in Washington. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is protesting the policy as cruel to sheep.
General Motors Acceptance Corporation got approval Friday to become a bank holding company, giving GMAC access to bailout money. The bank may already be in financial trouble. The new calendar that they send to all their customers just goes until February.
The National Retail Federation asked for bailout money Friday like the banks and stockbrokers and automakers and insurers got. Yesterday somebody drew a plus sign on side of the Treasury Building. Hobos have always marked houses that will feed anybody.
Barack Obama began a debate on sports talk radio by calling for college football playoffs to replace the bowl system. Let's hope it stops there. For eight years we have had a president who views the world as one giant elimination tournament.
Barack Obama arranged Monday to be sworn into office at the Inaugural with Abe Lincoln's Bible. It has parables of Jesus urging slaves to be productive. Barack Obama promised he'll put Americans back to work but he didn't say we'd get paid for it.
New York Giants suspended star Plaxico Burress' house was raided Monday by cops who seized the pants he wore when he accidentally shot himself. There's a logical explanation for the raid. The cops have plans to start a chain of restaurants called Planet Idiot and these pants will be the first item of memorabilia on the wall.
Caroline Kennedy was slammed by New York Democrats Wednesday who whisper she's a royalist. She's trying to get more connected to the concerns of ordinary people. After her recent listening tour she promised to allow male suffrage throughout Camelot.
Wall Street swindler Bernie Madoff was put under house arrest Friday until his trial. He'll soon be sent to prison and get his room and meals at state expense. Many of his investors have called the judge and offered to serve the sentence for him.
Bill Clinton took questions at an Apollo Theater event in Harlem on Sunday. He said he's willing to do anything to help his wife become Secretary of State. The padlock on his zipper has been tough on his bladder but it gives his face great color.
Hillary Clinton declared in Chicago last week that the era of cowboy diplomacy is over in U.S. foreign affairs. North Korea can't wait until she's in charge of enforcing nuclear treaties. There's already a statue of her in Little Rock looking the other way.
Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was allowed by British television to give a Christmas address. He was uncharacteristically humble. Thanks to the collapse of oil prices even Vladimir Putin's gone back to wearing halter tops in his photo shoots.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton