Jewish World Review Dec. 26, 2008 / 29 Kislev 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
President Bush issued nineteen pardons Tuesday, forgiving drug dealers and embezzlers and counterfeiters and people who lied to the Department of Housing. That wasn't the worst of it. He also gave them a seven hundred billion dollar bailout.
Vladimir Putin's shirtless photo defeated Barack Obama's shirtless photo in an online poll Monday. The Russian won by two to one. We should have known the country was leaning this way when the government took over the banks and nobody said anything.
The Dallas Cowboys had a postgame show with Roger Staubach after the last game in Texas Stadium. Half the crowd had already walked out in disgust after the Cowboys lost the game. It's the last time Roger Staubach will ever try to follow prop comedy.
Washington D.C. big band leader Bob Hardwick was chosen Monday to perform at his sixth presidential Inaugural Gala at the Renaissance Hotel. He left a successful career in banking to be a bandleader. Sooner or later they all have to face the music.
Bernie Madoff remained under house arrest after he admitted to swindling fifty billion dollars. It's not the end of the world. He could get his time in prison reduced for his work as a history teacher, lecturing other prisoners on how the pyramids were built.
Wall Streeter Bernie Madoff was under tight security in his apartment on Park Avenue Tuesday after he swindled his friends and clients out of fifty billion dollars. Police are worried someone may try to kill him. If he turns up dead, the Columbo episode would be nine-and-a-half years long just to fit in all the suspects.
Joe Biden began touting the new administration stimulus package Monday. He was asked by the president-elect to be his personal emissary to the middle class. It has long been a tradition that the vice president represent the president at funerals.
Barack Obama took his family to Hawaii for the Christmas holiday. The president-elect's chief of staff decided to spend his Christmas vacation in Africa. That birth certificate has to be somewhere.
The Baydan Shoe Company of Turkey got three hundred thousand orders Monday for the shoes the Iraqi reporter threw at President Bush. What a response. The casting call just went out in Detroit for any man strong enough to throw a Buick at President Bush.
Tina Fey was named Entertainer of the Year on Monday over Robert Downey Jr. and Heath Ledger. A Sarah Palin impersonator beat a superhero with a drug problem and a dead Joker. Apparently the Great Depression has already begun in the entertainment industry.
Paris Hilton's house was burglarized of jewelry Friday, and within days a nearby model's home and a publicist's home were burglarized for jewelry. It's the economy. Repo men in Hollywood dress up like burglars to allow the stars to keep their dignity.
Lance Armstrong got rousing encouragement from Bill Clinton Tuesday as the Tour de France star resumes racing. How inspiring. He never lost a race despite career-threatening testicular problems, while Lance Armstrong has a similarly inspiring story.
Hillary Clinton on Monday forgave herself thirteen million dollars she lent to her own campaign after forgiving her husband his many legendary indiscretions. She is so frustrated. She forgives and forgives and the media still thinks Obama is Jesus.
The Dow Jones fell for the fifth straight day Tuesday on more bad news. It got so bad that cable business channel anchors were counseling viewers that it's only money. Apparently the number of suicides is starting to affect their advertising rates.
The White House released the annual gift list Monday, showing that Arab leaders gave Condi Rice hundreds of thousands of dollars in jewelry last year. Her timing was good. Now that oil is down to thirty-five dollars a barrel, everybody gets candy.
The New York Yankees reportedly signed free agent slugger Mark Teixeira to a one hundred and eighty million dollar contract on Tuesday. He ended up with the Yankees by default. The Angels refused to offer him enough money to wreck Madonna's marriage.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
Comment by clicking here.
© 2007, Argus Hamilton