Jewish World Review Dec. 22, 2008 / 25 Kislev 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The New York Yankees signed two pitchers for two hundred and forty-two million dollars last week. Great pitchers are worth their weight in diamonds. California could end its budget problems if they could find a way to put Sandy Koufax out to stud.
The Weather Channel reports that a cold front hit New York City Friday, dumping heavy snowfall and record low temperatures. The entire Eastern Seaboard was snowed in. Fur protesters on Fifth Avenue were having to watch their paint freeze in mid-air.
Southern California had snowfall for the first time in memory Wednesday, closing freeways and schools. Even Malibu had four inches. Show business kids who have never seen snow just assumed it was cocaine and ran outside to make some extra money.
Caroline Kennedy embarked on a listening tour of upstate New York on Wednesday where she was swarmed by fans and well-wishers and supporters. It's a good civics lesson to the Illinois voters. A U.S. Senate seat is not a sales item, it's a birthright.
Caroline Kennedy embarked on a listening tour of upstate New York Wednesday, where she was hounded by reporters about her lack of experience for public office. She's so miffed. Nobody ever asks Prince Charles or Price Harry about their qualifications.
Barack Obama said Friday that America's education system must begin preparing children for the high paying jobs of the future. The training's already begun. At malls across America kids are sitting on Santa's lap practicing to be auto executives.
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was defiant before reporters Friday, claiming he's innocent of all criminal wrongdoing charges filed against him. The press conference was packed. He made eight hundred dollars just selling the front-row seats.
Governor Rod Blagojevich was reported to have mob ties back when he was a bookie in Chicago. Illinois lawmakers and the U.S. attorney are fighting over the audiotapes. The difference between the Mafia and the government is that one of them is organized.
Wall Street swindler Bernie Madoff was ordered Friday to twenty-four-hour home confinement. It had been twelve hours. The judge ordered him to stay inside his apartment around the clock because he kept getting the doorman to give him two tens for a five.
Wall Streeter Bernie Madoff was placed under house arrest and fitted with an ankle monitor last week. He swindled friends and charities out of fifty billion dollars. If Bernie Madoff's prospects were any dimmer, Chrysler would name a twenty-year warranty after him.
Bill Clinton released a three thousand page list of donors to his Little Rock library Thursday. The donors were all promised anonymity and now they're all under the harsh eye of public scrutiny. Investors haven't been betrayed like this since an hour earlier.
NASA announced Thursday they will sell all their old Space Shuttles for forty-two million dollars apiece. They fly at four thousand miles an hour. The moment gas fell to a dollar and a half a gallon, Americans lost all interest in fuel economy.
Tom Cruise apologized on the Today Show for his interview last year. He had quoted the teachings of Scientology and berated people who take anti-depressants. Tom Cruise is the only movie star who has to play a Nazi war hero to smooth out his image.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
Comment by clicking here.
© 2007, Argus Hamilton