Jewish World Review Dec. 18, 2008 / 21 Kislev 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
George Clooney wrote to Screen Actors Guild members Tuesday urging actors to defy any union strike order. A lot of stars are on his side. Ever since Steven Spielberg talked everybody into investing with Bernard Madoff nobody can afford to stop working.
Caroline Kennedy sought appointment to New York's Senate seat Tuesday. There's nothing wrong with government by bloodlines. Last year Britain banned hereditary seats in the House of Lords as undemocratic, but America left Britain long ago to go our own way.
Queen Elizabeth cut back on palace expenses Tuesday, ordering royal staffers to turn out lights and re-use leftovers from state banquets. It's miserable. Tourism is way down now that Buckingham Palace is being guarded by the Hamburger Helper Eaters.
Wall Street rallied Tuesday when the Federal Reserve reduced interest rates to nothing. The commodities market also jumped. Oil rose to forty-four dollars a barrel on the Chicago Exchange and the price of a U.S. Senate seat soared to over a million two.
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich didn't show up in the legislature Tuesday for the impeachment hearing against him for selling a Senate seat. It was easy to find him. He had to fly to Mogadishu to accept an honorary doctorate from Somali Pirate University.
Jesse Jackson Jr. was revealed Tuesday to be a U.S. government informant helping the FBI in a sting operation designed to catch Governor Blagojevich demanding cash for favors. His dad's not surprised. He knew his son was wearing a wire when he wrote Santa Claus a letter saying all he wants for Christmas is a tie with a hole in it.
Barack Obama named New Jersey environmental regulator Lisa Jackson to head the Environmental Protection Agency. The president-elect declared he wants to move the country beyond our oil addiction. Now all we have to do is get Iowa farmers to grow methadone.
Washington D.C. officials said Tuesday that one million Inaugural weekend visitors will cause a cell phone overload. Imagine this crowd of workaholics going three days without phone service. It'll be the longest they have been celibate since junior high.
Mexico's government on Monday opened a customer service call center for illegal aliens in Arizona to call to complain about their treatment in America. It's not going well. When a Mexican migrant is stranded at an Arizona truck stop the last thing he needs is a guy in India telling him to turn the computer off, then on again.
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton