Jewish World Review Dec. 15, 2008 / 18 Kislev 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Wall Street tycoon Bernard Madoff confessed to a scam that stole fifty billion dollars from investors. It was the biggest con in history. He was arraigned in Manhattan court Friday but not before he was presented the key to the City of Chicago.
St. Mark's Episcopal in Chicago placed global positioning devices in their Nativity Scene figurines to halt theft. They're easy to track. Last year's Messiah is on his way to Washington and the donkey's been arrested for trying to sell a Senate seat.
Barack Obama said Thursday no one on his staff helped Governor Blagojevich try to sell his Senate seat. It's worrisome. Barack Obama knows that the first rule of politics is there's always room at the top, once the grand jury returns an indictment.
Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan asked the state Supreme Court on Friday to declare Governor Rod Blagojevich disabled and unfit for office. That's silly. If crookedness was a disability, Chicago would be known worldwide as the City of Ramps.
Barack Obama's chief of staff Rahm Emanuel refused to answer questions Friday about the attempted sale of Obama's Senate seat. He's desperate to get the press on to another subject. He just asked one of his daughters if she'd like to go missing.
llinois governor Rod Blagojevich laid low Wednesday after he was arrested for trying to sell a U.S. Senate seat. The cameras caught up with him at a local flea market. He was there to get something for his wife but no one would start the bidding.
Governor Rod Blagojevich's arrest Tuesday put the media glare on Barack Obama's political mentors, including the arrested governor and the indicted Tony Rezko. We know where this is going to lead. Ron Howard has already agreed to direct Frost/Obama.
Chicago's U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald had Governor Blagojevich arrested Tuesday and produced audiotaped evidence of his greed and venal corruption. The question is, now what? They can't put the governor in jail, it would corrupt the petty thieves.
Congressman Jesse Jackson was identified as Candidate Number Five in FBI tapes of Senate candidates considered by Blagojevich. It caused a crisis. His marriage was saved once he reassured his wife that he's Candidate Number Five, not Client Number Five.
U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald defended his decision to have Governor Blagojevich arrested Tuesday. He's spent years convicting corrupt public officials, crooked cops and mobsters. Patrick Fitzgerald could not be more out of place in Chicago if he were a World Series trophy.
Pastor Jeremiah Wright told his church that December seventh was the day the U.S. dropped the atomic bomb on Japan. Actually it's the day Japan bombed us. The reason everybody walks out of his church services so happy is because ignorance is bliss.
Caroline Kennedy lobbied for New York's Senate seat Wednesday. She sank Hillary's presidential bid with her enthusiastic endorsement of Barack Obama. The Clintons tried claiming that she's a stalker, but Caroline is old enough to be Monica's mother.
Exxon Valdez plaintiffs in Alaska finally began receiving payments from Exxon Mobil, twenty years after Joseph Hazelwood drove an oil tanker drunk into the rocks and ruined the eco-system. He ended up stimulating the economy. At last summer's oil prices, some of those seal skins were selling for twenty thousand dollars apiece.
Daily Variety said Wednesday that Young Frankenstein will close on Broadway in January. Every night for eight years New York theatergoers have been able to enjoy either a comedy about Hitler, a drama about Nixon or a musical about Frankenstein. President Bush could fund his presidential library if he'd just learn how to tap dance.
O.J. Simpson was taken away Thursday to Nevada State Prison, forty miles north of Las Vegas. It's a tough adjustment. O.J.'s used to a life of cocaine and golf and blondes, but the Nevada State Prison is much different than the Los Angeles County Jail.
India and Pakistan smoothed over the terrorist attack in Mumbai after Pakistan agreed to extradite the mastermind to India. How nice. They were able to settle the crisis without war by engaging in diplomacy, or as it's known in America, women's work.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton