Jewish World Review Dec. 9, 2008 / 12 Kislev 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Caroline Kennedy asked the governor of New York Thursday to appoint her to the U.S. Senate seat that's being vacated by Hillary Clinton. The pattern's clear. The U.S. Senate is now a day care center for the female relatives of legendary sex addicts.
O.J. Simpson was sentenced to prison on live television Friday for armed robbery and kidnapping in a Las Vegas hotel room. He made a heartfelt plea for one more chance. At this point there's no harm trying to get some of that federal bailout money.
The Big Three automakers returned to Washington Friday to ask Congress for bailout money. The auto executives had to sit and listen to congressmen lecture them on fiscal responsibility. It's the first time in its history CNN ever used a laugh track.
The Big Three chairmen did not fly to Washington in their corporate jets last week. They outdid each other in humility. One CEO came in a hybrid, one came in an electric car, and one jumped a freight train but caught hell about the coal emissions.
The White House and Congress agreed Sunday on a bailout for U.S. automakers from a fifteen billion dollar fund requiring Detroit to make hybrid cars. The auto executives are unclear on the concept. Hybrid does not mean half engine, half tin cup.
Fox News reported Saturday on the drought in California's Central Valley. It's destroying this season's crops of celery and melons and lettuce and broccoli and cauliflower. Next year the farm bill will be named the Supermodel Preservation Act.
Jessica Simpson said Tuesday she wants to go to college to study theology. She said she's watched The Da Vinci Code eight times. You know the economy is rough when blondes are hanging out with priests just for the free wine and crackers at communion.
The New York Giants placed Plaxico Burress on the injured list for the rest of the year Monday. He's perfectly healthy. At his last birthday party he blew out the candles without a problem, unless you consider buckshot in the wallpaper a problem
Barack Obama left liberals empty-handed Tuesday by appointing moderate conservatives to head both Defense and State and then putting a free trader at Commerce. He faked to the left and now he's going to the right. He studied in Chicago under Walter Payton.
Perry County in Alabama voted Tuesday to declare the second Monday in every November to be Barack Obama Day. He's embarrassed. When he started appointing conservatives to his cabinet he was looking for political cover, not a school holiday in the South.
Henry Kissinger said Thursday he thinks Hillary Clinton will make a great Secretary of State. She can be very tough on national leaders. Two Secret Service agents during her husband's administration were killed taking a lamp for the president.
Vanity Fair crowned Tina Fey as America's sweetheart Tuesday based on the popularity of her Sarah Palin impression. It's becoming just like Nixon. Hollywood liberals hate Sarah Palin unless they are three jokes short and it's five minutes til showtime.
The German Army troops stationed in Afghanistan were reported Wednesday to have drunk two million pints of beer last year. They were ripped for being fat and drunk and sloppy. Only Muhammed Ali is further away from the glory days of his fighting career.
New York's former governor Eliot Spitzer was hired Thursday to write a financial column for Slate. He resigned in disgrace after he made large wire transfers of cash from his bank account to buy hookers and got flagged by the Patriot Act. If we don't let up on this search for Osama bin Laden, we're going to run all our best people out of office.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton