Jewish World Review Dec. 3, 2008 / 6 Kislev 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell expressed worry Monday over reduced advertising revenue. His players are way too talented for that to happen. Plaxico Burress just became the first athlete in modern history to get wounded in a shoot-out with himself.
New York Giants star Plaxico Burress was wounded in the leg Friday when his gun accidentally went off in his pants. He wouldn't go to the hospital for hours. The flat-screens are so cheap at Wal-Mart that nobody wants to give up their place in line.
Somali pirates hijacked the third huge cargo ship in a week in the Arabian Sea on Friday. It's the most successful piracy operation in history. It's nice to see that all the laid-off Lehman Brothers brokers were able to find work before Christmas.
Barack Obama introduced his foreign policy team Monday. It includes Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Bob Gates and Marine Commandant Jim Jones. The last time anyone tried to manage this many egos, Joe Torre threw up his hands and moved to Los Angeles.
Barack Obama's commitment to diplomacy was music to the ears of foreign leaders in capitals around the world on Monday. The last eight years have been rough on our image. Americans never thought we'd have to pass as Germans to get out of India alive.
The Wall Street Journal reported Friday that shopping malls in New Jersey were laying off Santa Clauses in anticipation of a slow shopping month. Santa is so out of date. This past year, the naughtier you were, the bigger your federal bailout.
Bill Clinton was mentioned as a Senate replacement for his wife Saturday after she was nominated as Secretary of State. It must be true. Last night at a bar in midtown he appeared to be holding auditions for the Bill Clinton Senatorial Librarian.
NBC News star Chris Matthews huddled with Pennsylvania Democrats about running for the Senate in two years. The timing is good. In two years Chris Matthews will be sixty-four, and that age he can go to the Senate and be called the Young Bull, or he can try to stay on television and be fed into a turkey shredder behind Sarah Palin.
Tom Cruise's new movie Valkyrie, opening Christmas Day, is the true story about the World War II German combat hero who tried to assassinate Adolf Hitler. The actor desperately needs a hit. Scientologists are considered so weird in Hollywood today they have to play Nazis in order to improve their images and save their movie careers.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton