Jewish World Review Dec. 1, 2008 / 4 Kislev 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Tiger Woods lost his seven million dollar endorsement deal with General Motors last week. He'll recover. Within hours the Treasury Secretary offered Tiger Woods a twenty-five billion dollar bailout if he would agree to a cut in salary and no bonus.
Thanksgiving Day had a huge spike in highway travel Thursday thanks to cheaper gasoline. It's an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover that once a year is way too often.
Barack Obama tasked his economic team Monday to jolt the economy back onto its feet from Wall Street's crash. It's a mess. Black activists are furious that Barack Obama has to spend his first three months as a janitor cleaning up after white people.
Barack Obama held a fourth press conference in four days Wednesday to name his economic team and cabinet members. Concurrently, the stock market went up for the fourth straight day. Already he's being called the best president-elect in U.S. history.
The Commerce Department reported plummeting home sales Wednesday while consumer spending signaled deep recession. The mood is grim. On Thanksgiving, three people in Detroit shot their plasma TV sets during a network airing of It's a Wonderful Life.
AIG's incoming Chairman Edward Liddy cut his pay to a dollar a year on Tuesday and canceled all bonuses and salary raises. He headed Allstate during Hurricane Katrina but today he ensures securities and bonds. How he longs for the good old days.
Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson rolled out a program Tuesday that will make it easier to buy cars and homes and pay for it with credit cards. He lives by a simple creed. If there's any money left in the U.S. Treasury it could cause a great depression.
Laura Bush was reported Tuesday to be shopping her memoirs to book publishers in New York. She's been keeping a journal about her life with President Bush. Be it recession or no recession, some women always know how to get jewelry for Christmas.
Red China opened its first racetrack Monday, sixty years after Chairman Mao Tse-tung banned gambling as an immoral capitalist pursuit. The communists don't have the hang of the sport quite yet. You're not supposed to shoot the horses before the races.
The Russian Navy arrived in Venezuela Thursday to conduct joint maneuvers with Hugo Chavez's fleet in the Caribbean. It's sad. Venezuela and Russia were much-feared oil powers just a month ago and today they're down to trading vodka for missile bases.
The New York Post says Mel Brooks's musical comedy Young Frankenstein will close on Broadway in January. It's the story of a mad scientist who can re-animate the dead. The show is closing in January because Dr. Frankenstein has been appointed Bailout Czar.
Sean Penn got rave reviews for his new movie, Milk, on Thursday. It's about San Francisco's first gay councilman Harvey Milk, who was murdered during a City Council meeting in the late Seventies. You could kill anybody with a good Jerry Brown joke in those days.
Hollywood producer Jon Peters held a party for gang members at his Malibu home Sunday. It's part of his DUI sentence. He's also charged with sexually assaulting his maids, and under Los Angeles law he could go to prison because he didn't kill them.
Bill Clinton agreed to extensive scrutiny to help get Hillary the Secretary of State post. He may have to give up his speaking engagements. As Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will have to grapple with age-old battles between mortal enemies, like Sunnis and Shiites, Israelis and Palestinians, and Bill Clinton and Spare Time.
A Connecticut survey showed Monday that American millionaires might be cutting off buying gifts for their mistresses this Christmas. Why should they? Now that the stock market has wiped them out, the divorce is less expensive than the hush money.
Countrywide began calling homeowners to try to help them renegotiate their loans. Executives said sixty percent of homeowners in foreclosure have multiple properties. At San Diego's SeaWorld, whenever the crowd calls out to see Flipper, a real estate speculator comes flying out of the water tank with a fish in his mouth.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton