With less than a year to go, there are so many candidates running for president that I wouldn't be surprised to find Fred Thompson secretly pepper-spraying Mitt Romney's man mousse a la Miss Puerto Rico Universe just to get him out of the race.
Any Puerto in a storm and all that.
Voters tend to get confused when there are so many names out there. More than a few probably believe that Thompson is a tough-talking D.A. whose sole job is to make sure Sam Waterson doesn't get his way all the time. ("For the hundredth time, Mee-Maw, that's just a role he plays on the TV!")
Then there's Ron Paul, whose supporters are Nader-esque in their devotion and love of really big, hand-lettered yard signs that have that look that conveys something between "people's candidate" and "crazy person." Paul is a gynecologist turned politician. Sorry. I can't elect a gynecologist president. Can't you just picture the first meeting of the Cabinet? Paul: "Scooch down just a little further everyone. No, a little further, little further, just a little further. There! That's it."
Rudy Giuliani, who has had three times as many wives as Mitt the Mormon, has been endorsed by televangelist Pat Robertson despite being pro-choice (at least on Tuesdays and Saturdays) and having had gay men for roommates in between marriages. Somewhere Tinky Winky is scratching his gay purple Teletubby head.
Mike Huckabee is the formerly fat Arkansas governor and Baptist minister who probably owns a tiny Pat Robertson doll with pins stuck in it. Huckabee is an excellent campaigner, oozing the humble good looks of the newly svelte. He has that "Have you called Jenny today?" bubbly demeanor. Oh, and he used to be married to Eddie Van Halen, I think.
John McCain has some interesting ideas about immigration and health care reform, but when is he going to talk about something that the American people really care about. Like how that jerk on "The Bachelor" dumped BOTH women in the season finale AND what was up with that Marie Osmond wind-up doll dance? Tres creepy!
Across the aisle, as they say, there's Hillary Clinton, who, despite the fact that everybody claims to hate her, has managed to raise approximately 500 trillion dollars. Hand-lettered signs? I don't freakin' think so.
Barack Obama has Oprah's endorsement. Can she do for him what she did for the sales of Origin's Ginger Body Mousse back in 2004? Stay tuned.
John Edwards' only hope is a smackdown between Obama and Clinton that leaves him the last cutie pie standing. Not counting, of course, Bill Richardson from New Mexico, Joe Biden from Delaware and Dennis Kucinich from Neptune.