Jewish World Review Dec 28, 2007 / 19 Teves 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Hillary Clinton was named Most Admired Woman in the Gallup Poll Wednesday ahead of Oprah and Queen Elizabeth. It doesn't mean she'll be president. If people told pollsters the truth, Britney Spears would have won this award for the last five years.
The Bucket List starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman opens tonight. It's about two dying men trying to fulfill their fantasies while their cancers are in remission. In a miracle at the end of the movie each of them is able to sell his home.
Major League Baseball said Monday season ticket sales for next year are way up over last year's pace. You know what this means. George Mitchell was asked to test everyone in baseball for performance-enhancing drugs except the ticket sales operators.
The NFL agreed to plant thousands of trees in Arizona to offset the greenhouse gas emissions from the Super Bowl. It's a trend. The NBA will plant life insurance companies in New Orleans to offset all the shootings during the NBA's All-Star weekend.
Los Angeles erupted in brushfires on Christmas Eve, making last-minute shopping miserable with heat and smoke. Everyone thought they were in hell. People in Los Angeles always feel that way whenever they have to spend money on someone besides themselves.
John McCain ran new television ads in South Carolina Wednesday touting his war record. He was shot down, he was captured, he was tortured and he talked. John McCain running on his war record is like Teddy Kennedy running on his driving record.
John Edwards said Wednesday he's the candidate who sounds most like a president, reminding a crowd that Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton had accents just like his. It's impolite to say so. Every four years both political parties play Let's Pretend with women and minorities, and then the voters show up and nominate the Southern white guy.
Saddam Hussein's yacht went on sale Monday for thirty-four million dollars. It has bulletproof glass and a mini-sub attached under the flooring for an emergency escape. It's built like the lobby of every bank in California that makes mortgage loans.
© 2007, Argus Hamilton