Jewish World Review Dec 27, 2007 / 18 Teves 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Roger Clemens declared Sunday he will answer steroid charges on CBS' 60 Minutes this week. No one wants to think he compiled a winning record using performance enhancers. The telecast is sponsored by Cialis and Corvette and the Hair Club for Men.
Nickelodeon's Jamie Lynn Spears was praised by Republicans Monday for deciding to have her baby even though it could end the teenager's acting career. Her family says she is perfectly willing to have a baby. She's just waiting for the right script.
Great Britain passed a ban on motorists talking on their cell phone while they drive last week. It could cost lives. Drive-by shootings in Los Angeles are down ninety percent ever since cell phones gave people something else to do at stop lights.
The FBI said Monday it will award a contract to develop a nationwide database of everybody's palm print, face, fingerprints and retina. The FBI said people who are innocent have nothing to fear. You could ask Richard Jewell except that he's dead.
Fred Thompson didn't even appear on his Christmas commercial as he searches for a way to pull out of his dive. First he was a lawyer, then he was an actor, and now he is a politician. The descent into hell is easy, it's climbing out that's tough.
Rudy Giuliani had to assure reporters Monday he's perfectly healthy. The press has been grilling him about tests done in a St. Louis hospital last week. Apparently someone in Hillary's campaign is spreading rumors that he tested positive for cocaine.
Democratic officials expressed worry Monday about how to get first-time caucus goers to show up at the Iowa caucuses next week. The candidates worry their people have promised to show up but they won't keep their promises. What goes around comes around.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton