Jewish World Review Dec 18, 2007 / 9 Teves 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Weather Channel showed snow and ice and cold temperatures blanketing a lot of America Monday. It caused confusion. There was momentary euphoria at Democratic headquarters when the USA Today weather map showed that there are now forty-nine blue states.
The Weather Channel said snowstorms hit New Hampshire Thursday. It's a campaign issue. John Edwards blamed it on rich people who want to ski, Hillary didn't recall seeding the clouds, and Barack Obama denied that Snowplow was his nickname in college.
GOP candidate Ron Paul set a new one-day fundraising record on Sunday. He wants to do everything the way the Founding Fathers did. They wore perfumed wigs, satin pants and high-heel pumps, but they didn't have Larry Craig sitting in the next stall.
John Edwards spent Sunday in Iowa pitching his universal health plan. His plan could make a difference. It turns out all the king's horses and all the king's men could have put Humpty together again, but the procedure wasn't covered by his insurance.
Hillary Clinton's campaign chartered a helicopter Sunday so she can fly around the state of Iowa and shake hands with the voters for five days. Her aides have dubbed it the Hill-O-Copter. Pretending to be Irish has always worked for her husband.
Democratic candidates held a debate in Iowa on Thursday. The biggest applause came when Chelsea Clinton walked into the room before the debate started. She won the Nobel Peace Prize eight years ago for keeping her parents from killing each other.
Hillary Clinton fired a campaign staffer last week for bringing up Barack Obama's admission of past cocaine use. It's politics. You have to support ethanol subsidies whenever you're in Iowa, dairy price supports in Wisconsin and cocaine use in Florida.
Hillary Clinton vowed to bring U.S. troops home from Iraq during the Iowa Democratic debate Thursday. She's trying to reverse her decline in the polls. If firefighters could slide down poles as fast as Hillary Clinton has, Malibu might still be standing.
Barack Obama attended church in Mason City on Sunday at the First Congregational Church. This is the denomination of the Puritan settlers who landed in America. He is doing absolutely everything he can to distance himself from these drug allegations.
Congressman Pete Hoekstra vowed Sunday that the House Intelligence Committee will investigate the CIA's destruction of tapes. He knows how terrifying it can be to have water pouring over your face until you think you're drowning. He was born in the Netherlands.
New Jersey's assembly voted Thursday to repeal the state's death penalty. This could change everything. From now on if someone in New Jersey says they're going to take you for a little drive, they're actually going to take you for a little drive.
Al Gore spoke at the U.N. climate conference in Bali Friday, where he scolded the U.S. for lack of concern over global warming. Republicans have a nickname for people who are worried about the threat that winter is disappearing. They call them non-golfers.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton